Day 1: This is me! Vs. I can't or don't want to be this.

I don't know why I am starting my project 365 with this topic. But it is not about writing only the goodie things, it is about writing honesty and expression. That's the path I have to tread on and find myself.

I do not understand myself when I say 'This is me!'. Is it an attitude statement or a mark of sttuborness or acceptance of defeat?. Or is it an acknowledgement of my strengths and weaknesses and therefore I want to close the doors of further hardwork & growth. What is it for me?

During varied discussions with my family n friends, I often repeat 'this is me!'. When I sit to analyze why it is so often said by me, I think I am trying to put my point loud by showing anger/irritation/other such feelings. But it is in no way an attitude statement (Do I have an attitude?.....I think I will come back on this some day, for sure).

In today's world, we all live in a constantly changing environment. We move on, our friends move on, even our immediate family moves on. This movement is more often intellectual/mental/emotional and as a result we keep changing, our behaviour keeps changing. With time, we are surrounded by different people. These people will most of the times differ from what we are. In such situations, I think I tend to get very careful. Well, 'careful' is not the right word, I mean to say I start looking inside like a snail puts his neck inside his shell. I become quiet and I am not that outgoing type and do not connect (Connection....I would like to talk to myself about this, in one of these days)with new people easily. It is due to these different personalities around me, I ask myself 'am I fit here'? But how many times one should ask this question in his/her life? This is because atleast once in lifetime, he/she would be surrounded by new group/people which would make him/her look inside him/her and ask this question.

This fitness issue makes waves in my minds much more times than I actually think or know. I look around to all people-known and unknown and I ask myself how do I present myself/how do I behave? Is it according to the mode here or I appear foreigner? In short, do I fit in here? For the unknown ones, my mind may stop exploding but for the known ones- the questions, the anaylsis goes on and on. After so much self-brainstorming or I should say, after so many thunderous bombarding, when I say to myself, "no, I do not want to be this or I can not be like this, it is just not in my value system/or it's just not the part of my personality"....is it the mark of appreciating my individuality or a mark of going inside my shell (when this is seen as an excuse).

It is funny and may be interesting too, that while writing (or well, also while speaking sometimes) a person may find himself confused. Exactly, to achieve this clarity of my own thoughts and make my own opinions (based on these convictions), I have started this project 365.

When I say "this is me", it is attitude or confidence?
When I say "I do not want to be this or I can not be like this", is it not the other way of saying the former? It is confidence or the lack of confidence or again a sign of stuborn attitude?

I think in many more days of expressions, I would be able to understand where lies my attitude and where lies my confidence. Right now I am happy and very much glowing with hope about my life because I acknowledge or at least aware of the fact that-

"Happiness is that which is ever lasting, which depends on no external factor, which is one's own possession, which is unvarying and which constitutes one's very self. That alone is real happiness." (Hanumanprasad Poddar in 'Beyond the Veil' )