Confusion....

I want to write today. I don't know what this writing means or the blog is supposed to be. I like this headlines from my colleagues's blog (and find it so apt....but would I that be honest on my blog):

I write anything that comes to mind. A blog is not about truth or lies or opinions. It is about what happens to sound good the moment I type it.

Yes, I want to sound good...to me! I am confused right now. Morning, afternoon life sounds good, looks good. Post-afternoon is it the same? Is it the life or the mind that creates the confusion....I want to analyse, I want to live and not just exist.

Sometimes I think I love being in France. I have been working now and I have been in the field I wanted to be from say around 2 years. I am in finally. I am in a good company/industry. I have met some people I like and some of them have been good friends for some while. Friends, well not like the ones I always dreamt of (but hey, at 30, I can't keep my childhood friends and memories and expect new people to be like the friend of my first grade in school...everybody grows up and I must too grow up :-) ). Well, honestly I am happy with the people I have met, and I realize I can still connect. I remember when I started my Project 365 for blogging, I wrote in a post about Connection and my inability to connect. I was so wrong about myself. I still can connect. No body can actually understand the phase I was in when I told to myself I am not interested in people, I am in my own shell and I will grow. Ofcourse I grew, but a bit inside my own shell....now when I have been meeting/interacting people, I can see I need them (well, I always needed friends, I will never deny that) and I feel so confident I am capable of meeting and taking my relationship to a certain level with some people I can call friends. Ofcourse in due course of time I have learnt to take more responsibilites for these contacts and I try to involve myself or keep myself in the loop without losing the touch.

This is my own status to myself for my 'connection and the will to connect' to people and I am very happy about it. I really want to thank God for opening his arms to me and rewarding me some nice people around me. I needed it!

Heart is a greedy entity...entity/creature/thing...whatever...it is greedy. I want perfection at all levels and most of the times without putting effort 200%. I will be honest, high hopes/ambitions/wishes can take their beauty on their own, they need to be nurtured with constant care and the will to work for them. Ya, I am noticing I am talking a lot about this 'will' thing, but hey it is so important....I think every good (not only great) thing happens with a will to make it happen. I know I am not giving my 100% things to a lot of things I need to do/should do/must do....but there are things which even don't turn up as they should and then I blame circumstances/present conditions. For instance, my European driving license....is been a big pain now...! I blame France...why the hell I am here...I have my Indian license and I can drive & make my life easy on this aspect by living in India...what I am doing here and why I am torturing myself and my family...

When I think this, I think a lot of other things, going in recap in my mind. Can I write them all here...no! I am not that honest and open in my real life too...this is a blog. Ofcourse I write it to express myself but I am sometimes (!...or most of the times) running away from the realities of life....the hard & practical ones, and can't accept them here or sometimes in my dreams too. Probably, I must work on this but not taking it harsh on me.

Recently, I think I have been quite harsh on me (this is contradictory as I hide a lot of things that require urgent attention from my ownself and then close my mind/eyes on them...how can I say I am being harsh!!!!!), well....I am confused. But I am getting sure of one thing in my life...I need to charge of it. I need to plan it. If I hate somebody telling me what should I do with my life, I must immediately get up and do something about it. Freedom is one word that cna define me. But freedom does not come with being reckless and irresponsible. Am I being reckless or irresponsible? I am too harsh and less affirmative of myself. If I fail somewhere or do not act with urgency/promptness on something why do I have to question my entire existence for that? It is life, I wil fail often but I do not need to fail myself and give a bad score to my good self, because I know I am good..I dont hurt people, I try to help everybody, I am honest, I try to be good to all my basic relationships....is there anything else I need to feel good about! I must change this...well I know I need to take certain things more responsibly but important at this moment of time is to be free with authority and firmness about my own personality. One of the friends on facebook wrote this statement and I love it this very moment (well always):


No body can hurt me without my permission.

How true, our life is what we make of it. If I work hard, fulfill my responsibilities, manage all my tasks in the way they should be...who is gonna hurt me. Its the self who pinches you the most, if I am responsible, not losing my enthusiasm for my life and its responsibilities, there is hardly anyone ever who can say a word or point a finger.

I have promised myself I am not going to have any new year resolutions....but hey I always break the promises...I want to resolve I am going to be more responsible and take things head on instead of running away from them. I am sure in this way I am gonna be strong from within :-)...

-With fingers crossed, I want to wish you all a beautiful Christmas and a very lovely new year ahead.