Confusion....

I want to write today. I don't know what this writing means or the blog is supposed to be. I like this headlines from my colleagues's blog (and find it so apt....but would I that be honest on my blog):

I write anything that comes to mind. A blog is not about truth or lies or opinions. It is about what happens to sound good the moment I type it.

Yes, I want to sound good...to me! I am confused right now. Morning, afternoon life sounds good, looks good. Post-afternoon is it the same? Is it the life or the mind that creates the confusion....I want to analyse, I want to live and not just exist.

Sometimes I think I love being in France. I have been working now and I have been in the field I wanted to be from say around 2 years. I am in finally. I am in a good company/industry. I have met some people I like and some of them have been good friends for some while. Friends, well not like the ones I always dreamt of (but hey, at 30, I can't keep my childhood friends and memories and expect new people to be like the friend of my first grade in school...everybody grows up and I must too grow up :-) ). Well, honestly I am happy with the people I have met, and I realize I can still connect. I remember when I started my Project 365 for blogging, I wrote in a post about Connection and my inability to connect. I was so wrong about myself. I still can connect. No body can actually understand the phase I was in when I told to myself I am not interested in people, I am in my own shell and I will grow. Ofcourse I grew, but a bit inside my own shell....now when I have been meeting/interacting people, I can see I need them (well, I always needed friends, I will never deny that) and I feel so confident I am capable of meeting and taking my relationship to a certain level with some people I can call friends. Ofcourse in due course of time I have learnt to take more responsibilites for these contacts and I try to involve myself or keep myself in the loop without losing the touch.

This is my own status to myself for my 'connection and the will to connect' to people and I am very happy about it. I really want to thank God for opening his arms to me and rewarding me some nice people around me. I needed it!

Heart is a greedy entity...entity/creature/thing...whatever...it is greedy. I want perfection at all levels and most of the times without putting effort 200%. I will be honest, high hopes/ambitions/wishes can take their beauty on their own, they need to be nurtured with constant care and the will to work for them. Ya, I am noticing I am talking a lot about this 'will' thing, but hey it is so important....I think every good (not only great) thing happens with a will to make it happen. I know I am not giving my 100% things to a lot of things I need to do/should do/must do....but there are things which even don't turn up as they should and then I blame circumstances/present conditions. For instance, my European driving license....is been a big pain now...! I blame France...why the hell I am here...I have my Indian license and I can drive & make my life easy on this aspect by living in India...what I am doing here and why I am torturing myself and my family...

When I think this, I think a lot of other things, going in recap in my mind. Can I write them all here...no! I am not that honest and open in my real life too...this is a blog. Ofcourse I write it to express myself but I am sometimes (!...or most of the times) running away from the realities of life....the hard & practical ones, and can't accept them here or sometimes in my dreams too. Probably, I must work on this but not taking it harsh on me.

Recently, I think I have been quite harsh on me (this is contradictory as I hide a lot of things that require urgent attention from my ownself and then close my mind/eyes on them...how can I say I am being harsh!!!!!), well....I am confused. But I am getting sure of one thing in my life...I need to charge of it. I need to plan it. If I hate somebody telling me what should I do with my life, I must immediately get up and do something about it. Freedom is one word that cna define me. But freedom does not come with being reckless and irresponsible. Am I being reckless or irresponsible? I am too harsh and less affirmative of myself. If I fail somewhere or do not act with urgency/promptness on something why do I have to question my entire existence for that? It is life, I wil fail often but I do not need to fail myself and give a bad score to my good self, because I know I am good..I dont hurt people, I try to help everybody, I am honest, I try to be good to all my basic relationships....is there anything else I need to feel good about! I must change this...well I know I need to take certain things more responsibly but important at this moment of time is to be free with authority and firmness about my own personality. One of the friends on facebook wrote this statement and I love it this very moment (well always):


No body can hurt me without my permission.

How true, our life is what we make of it. If I work hard, fulfill my responsibilities, manage all my tasks in the way they should be...who is gonna hurt me. Its the self who pinches you the most, if I am responsible, not losing my enthusiasm for my life and its responsibilities, there is hardly anyone ever who can say a word or point a finger.

I have promised myself I am not going to have any new year resolutions....but hey I always break the promises...I want to resolve I am going to be more responsible and take things head on instead of running away from them. I am sure in this way I am gonna be strong from within :-)...

-With fingers crossed, I want to wish you all a beautiful Christmas and a very lovely new year ahead.

'Poem' by Gulzar

A poem
entangled in my chest,
lines
fastened on my lips,
words
like butterflies
won't sit still on paper.

I sit
for so long
with your name
on this blank paper.

Your name
just your name exists;
could there be
a better poem?

-Poems of Gulzar translated by Rina Singh in 'Silences'

For Love

Yesterday I wanted to

speak of it, that sense above   

the others to me

important because all

that I know derives

from what it teaches me.   

Today, what is it that   

is finally so helpless,

different, despairs of its own   

statement, wants to

turn away, endlessly

to turn away.

If the moon did not ...

no, if you did not

I wouldn’t either, but   

what would I not

do, what prevention, what   

thing so quickly stopped.   

That is love yesterday   

or tomorrow, not

now. Can I eat

what you give me. I

have not earned it. Must   

I think of everything

as earned. Now love also   

becomes a reward so

remote from me I have

only made it with my mind.

Here is tedium,

despair, a painful

sense of isolation and   

whimsical if pompous

self-regard. But that image   

is only of the mind’s

vague structure, vague to me   

because it is my own.

Love, what do I think

to say. I cannot say it.

What have you become to ask,   

what have I made you into,

companion, good company,   

crossed legs with skirt, or   

soft body under

the bones of the bed.

Nothing says anything   

but that which it wishes   

would come true, fears   

what else might happen in

some other place, some   

other time not this one.   

A voice in my place, an   

echo of that only in yours.

Let me stumble into

not the confession but   

the obsession I begin with   

now. For you

also (also)

some time beyond place, or   

place beyond time, no   

mind left to

say anything at all,

that face gone, now.

Into the company of love   

it all returns.

Robert Creeley, “For Love” for Bobbie from Selected Poems of Robert Creeley.

Heart, head, life, science....beautiful it is!

Life is beautiful
seems like flowers raining on me
with their fragrance, with all their beauty.
I hear music all around me
just like it's playing only for me...
Life is beautiful.

Coming out from the life in house has unexpected impact on me. I used to think I dont want to connect to people, it is wrong. Like any other person in this world, I need a choice. When I do not have enough choice I am shut, my mind and my heart are in their own world.

Working again has a different effect, I am learning about myself. I like to talk to people, know about them but I have my own perceptions (like I think everybody else)....and I like to know about people gradually. I want to connect to them on my pace. It is strange....it is a process. Life is science or science is life !!!!!!

Everything takes time.....I need time before I rush to make friends, understand the environment. I also relate this to loss of innocence. Some years ago, I must say 10 long years ago (oh..I sound old....well, i think I dont look that old...), I would be all smiling and charming when I met somebody new. I didnt analyse, just flew with the flow.....and now the flow has many ifs and buts, many eyes and many ears.....loss of innocence.....life is this. But it is beautiful.

I also find it difficult to decide.....follow my heart or head. If I like something or hate something, I think twice. Whether it is my perception or my heart is wearing glasses! Why is it not so simple just to trust somebody or something and go with the flow....why you have to struggle withing your own thoughts. Why my head says, 'no, no don't believe this/that, it may be wrong dear. It may be a perception'. Why my heart wants to jump out and capture the innocence letting out of my head....Why is life not that simple now!!!!????

N'importe, life is beautiful and I am enjoying it. God bless and touchwood... :-)

What can I do with you my life?

What can I do with you my life?
love you, hate you, be happy with you, care for you.
be confused with your being, misunderstand you, understand you,
like you, dislike you, want to live with you, want to run away from you.

आज यह क्या हुआ,
मेरी समझ से परे हुआ जो हुआ.
आज जीवन का यह स्पर्श 
अच्छा नहीं लगा मुझे, जैसे एक सिहरन सी काप उठी मेरी आत्मा मे.
मैंने दिल से सोचा और हार गयी मै
फिर सोचा इतनी जल्दी 
या फिर इतनी देर से हारी मै.

क्या मै समझती हू तुम्हे
या नहीं,
क्या तुम जानते हो मुझे या नहीं
आज कुछ रिश्ता अधूरा सा लगा मुझे.

आज मन में तृष्णा , आक्रोश 
सब भर गया ..
और मै हार गयी.
खुद से या तुमसे
यह नहीं समझ पाई मै.

क्या तुम जुड़े हो मुझसे
या मै ही नहीं जुड़ पाई
यह सवालो के जवाब नहीं 
दे पाई मै खुद को
और हार गयी मै खुद से
या शायद तुमसे.

शब्द तो बहुत है
लेकिन कागज़ नहीं कोई,
तस्वीर तो है
लेकिन रंग नहीं मेरे पास
ना ही आकाश रंग डालने के लिए,
फिर लगता है
आकाश नहीं जमीन ही काफी है
रंगों के लिए.

मिल जाये या पहचान पाऊ तो जमीन ही रंग दू
अगर आकाश का इन्तेजार बेमानी है.

आज मन उलझा है
सोच रही हू कल क्या पाउंगी मै
क्या सूरज देगा मुझे साफ्गोशी?
क्या डालेगा रौशनी मेरी सीरत पर?
क्या देख पाऊँगी मै क्या सही क्या गलत?

कल का इन्तेजार नहीं करना आता मुझे
आज ही सोच लुंगी कल का मेरा कर्म
शान्ति, सादगी, कर्म से भरू खुदको
और बस छोड़ दू सब तुम पर, मेरे कान्हा
ध्यान रखो मेरा और 
दिखाऊ मुझे मेरा रास्ता!

A small coming back...

Its almost a month I am not active on my blog. It was Project 365...somehow I dropped it. I became busy/lazy...no, the most was the writer's block I faced each day while I sat to write. I realized by this attempt of Project 365 that I am not a forced writer. I am impulsive and emotional. My words are my anchor when my ship starts shaking in the trubulence of life. I am not someone who can think and write. I always feel and write. But I am so hooked to writing at the same time that the thought and action of leaving my Project 365 gives me a guilt that I started something and I didn't complete it. Moreover, writing gave me joy and confidence. The day 1 when I started and now has made me a different person. My blog is my friend who always exists to listen to me and make me think about myself. It is difficult to be away from it. But at the same time, I can not and do not want to kill my spontaniety. In this spontaneousness nature lies my creativity. I am coming back with this small post...I am not sure if I will write everyday but I am here. My words will keep flowing on the blog and drench me with satisfaction and confidence. :-)

Day 82: Spiritual reality

I have yet to start my spiritual journey. Before I begin, I need to understand what it is. What is spiritualism? What are its goal for mankind? What goals it has for me?

I am so curious about all these words are so common, seems like people are running after them to get peace of mind and happiness in their lives. Are these words really magical? Is the process behind them so fruitful? My mind is so intrigued by words like vipsyana, reiki, Art of Living, RajYoga. Some 10 years ago I did basic course of Reiki and Art of Living. I think then I was too young to understand them. I must say life was full of enthusiasm, ambitions and passions for ambitions. Therefore, these words were not what I was looking for. May be when I go through the meaning of these words today, they will be more important and understandable to me. Life is still full of ambitions but the weight of responsibilites (to oneself and to others) put a person's vigour down. I want to read extensively about these processes and also do them practically. I think I will come back with more posts about them after reading about them.

Today I saw a DVD about Spiritual reality(given to me by my mom. This is the 3rd copy she has given me in these years as somehow I always kept losing them).  The DVD is the best I have seen till now on this topic. I liked the serenity and peacefulness in it. It is all animated and not some man/woman guru kind of person performing and delivering their lectures. Well, I am not against them. I often listen to many of them. But somehow, I liked and got hooked to the DVD because of its serenity. The DVD talks about cosmic energy, how we need more and more of it to solve our problems and how it helps us attain peace and happiness in out day to day grindings. It talks about meditation, thr right way to do it, the third eye, the listening to the usually unheard and unobvious sounds etc. It is all so temoting for me to dive deep into this process and see for myself if I can see the constant light before my eyes and my mind is all peace (devoid of any thoughts?). I understand it does not come with one session of meditation, but may need numerous (which I can not quantify now), I am curious and want to start with it as soon as possible. Tomorrow is my first day to start the meditation. I am definitely going to write about it tomorrow.

I want to understand these various processes which I mentyioned above and see why people are running after them. Sometimes I wonder do people who claim to have attained peace and seen the 'light' have really experienced it? Is there something actually called as spiritual reality exists? I want to know and experience it so much. If you have experienced it and know anything about it, don't hesitate to share through comments.

Day 78: Dancing...

क्या तुमसे खूबसूरत है कोई?

क्या है कोई जो भरता इतनी शक्ति मेरी नस नस मे?

क्या है कोई जो इतना रिझाता मुझे?

क्या तुमसे कोमल और तुमसा 'नटराज' है कोई?

क्या तुमसे बड़ा सपना है इन आँखों मे भरा कोई ?

 ***

This post if for my all-time favourite passion 'dancing'. I dream to be a good dancer one day, well not for others but for my own happiness & satisfaction.  

Day 77: 'शिशिर ऋतू'

आंसूँ मोती लगते है
तेरी याद मे जब झलकते है.

यादें खूबसूरत हो जाती है
समेटे तुझे जब चली आती है.

मिटटी महक उठती है
बारिश मे  जब तेरी सीरत होती है. 

दुःख सुख आसान लगते है
जब हाथ तेरा होता है मेरे हाथो मे.

सब खोना जिंदगी मे बेमानी है अब
पाया हो जब तुझे अपने आप मे.

Day 76: A break....what?...........Noooooo!

Are there any breaks from routine life? I am not talking about vacations/holidays. They are once in a while, they fill our eyes with nature's beauty, our words with appreciation of this beauty, they give us energy to deal with the hullabaloo of the life....but all this is indeed short-lived because the daily life is longer than the duration of holidays. 

Today morning I woke up with a lot of tiredness. Last two nights were filled with sleepless state, with scattered dreams, scattered thoughts and scattered sleep. I was also tired running (still I don't feel I run enough!) after the kiddie and just dealing with her with patience and peace. I need a break....my mind and my heart and my body said. But soon realized, is it possible? No. Though I live outside India (which for many people mean lots of freedom and state of responsibility-less life), I am not free. Sometimes I feel I should get ill today and receive a lot of pampering...but no, it is absolutely not possible for a mother outside India. Who is going to pamper (the hubby has to go to office, the kid has to be taken care of, no servants, no playschool, no friends as such)? 

Then I realized what would be the situation in India, back home? How often our mothers got break? Does my sis-in-laws have break (because they are still responsible for the elders in the house)? Actually, it is easier here in those terms than back home. But still, back home you have care, you have more encouraging sources etc. At least this is my perception.

I am realizing as we grow up and become at least the receiver of many responsibilites-office, home as wife/husband, daughter-in-law etc. the possibities to get breaks so easily diminshes. It no longer remains in our whims n fancies to get an off from our offices/household chores. Life has to be responsible....well, I think I must accept it permanently that the scenario is not going to change for many years so whenever I need pampering on such days, or when I feel low for doing the regular mundane things of life, all these days I must finish all the relevant and necessary chores with extra vigour and let this finished task give me energy to enjoy the day and feel good about life....

Day 75: A colorful world

Its a colorful word

simple yet so charming

the world of kids

mundane to us but treasure to the little ones.

My heart gallops when 

my baby plays with water in little glasses

in her baby kitchen set.

My heart draws images of happiness when

my baby plays with crayons

and scribbles something she calls flowers.

My heart sticks to joys unbound when

my baby plays with stickers

and she is so possessive about them.

Toys, stickers, candies

choclates, water tub, bath ducks,

cartoons, books

all these are your world baby,

I am so mesmerized to see you

content with a world of your own...

such a colorful & happy world....

Day 74: एक ख्वाब

I happened to read about Sachin Tendulkar's family today and reached to this video :
http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=oewFErGwETs&feature=related

I found his girl, Sara so innocent. I thought the media is trying to make her a star by asking her plans and their regular stiupid questions but they failed to realize they are talking to a 12 year old girl (though she is Sachin's daughter). She was such in a fix that she kept repeating what she should answer to the reporters. I was amazed to see her beauty-both internal as well as external. I also saw pictures of Sachin's wife and found her beautiful-both inwards and outwards. I think Sara inherited her beauty from her mother. And it is now that I dreamt something for my daughter. My dream for my kiddie is summarised in one word- Grace.

I also realize everyday that she will be what her parents will make her. It is very true because a child's first school is his home and his parents are his first teachers. We have big responsibility towards her. If I want her to be graceful, don't I have to imbibe this in me? I wish her lots of happiness and success in her life, and above all, I wish that she may have grace in her being, in her every role in each of her life's phase. A poem penned only for her.

Amen....

एक ख्वाब देखा है तुम्हारे लिए
बड़ा नहीं लेकिन महतव्पूर्ण है.

भरा है यह सपना आँखों मै-
निश्चलता हो तुम्हारी आँखों मे,
सरलता हो तुम्हारे हृदय मे,
सादगी हो तुम्हरी सोच मे.

जरूरी नहीं सागर की तरह वेग हो
मगर हो उसकी गहराई,
जरूरी नहीं हो तुममे संगीत का शोर
मगर हो उसका मंत्रमुग्ध कर देने वाला सुर,
जरूरी नहीं आज*का बिंदासपन हो तुममे
मगर जरूर हो आज का विश्वास, आज का हौसला,

बाहरी चमक दमक से परे,
मन की चांदनी से सजा
हो तुम्हारा जीवन.
व्यक्तिव्य मे हो तुम्हारे बहुत सादगी

और मन मे हो तुम्हारे बहुत आदर.

बहुत आगे जाओ, पढो लिखो
कलाकार बनो
और लिखो अपने जीवन का गान स्वयं.

Lots of love, mamma.

Day 71: Leisure...

Today, I write about one of my favourite poems. I think life is moving very fast (yet long way to achieve goals). In todays times I always remember this poem (collected below) and find it so true. The poem is wonderfully and aptly titled 'Leisure'. I am sure many readers would be able to relate with this poem and its title. Little things in life endow you with big joys. Sometimes just watching a bird making its nest is such a big experience. It fills you with so much vigour and enthusiasm that it is unbelievable that such a small thing (for humans) can give us big pleasures. Sometimes, I  just feel that in todays time of time running out of watches, people running behind goals and their deadlines, skipping breakfasts and lunches, spending hours before television in the name of relaxation.....people have forgotten about simple leisures of life. The poem here, by Henry Davies talks about these small and yet very beautiful leisures of life

Leisure....

What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.

No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.

No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night.

No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.

No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.

A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

(Wm. Henry Davies (1871-1940) is to be considered as the poet of the tramps. Born at Newport, Wales in the UK, Davies came to America from Great Britain and lived the life of a vagabond. One day, as the result of jumping a train, he lost one of legs. Davies returned to England where he continued to live the life of a tramp and a pedlar. He wrote poetry (presumably he did right along) and, eventually, he determined to print his own book and did so with the little money he earned panhandling. A copy of this first work, A Soul's Destroyer, came into the hands of George Bernard Shaw; which, in turn, led to the popularization of the poet. 

.....So, people read this poem and get inspired to take a tini-mini break and enjoy the good things and fine pleasures of life.....Good luck...

Day 70: Writers block...

The writer's block is so much dawning on me nowadays!

I have always been a person who writes by heart and spontaneously. It is becoming difficult to think and write as opposed to feel and write.

In college times I have written poems at every spot and every time, be it lectures, canteen, library. the flow of words (& emotions behind them) had been so strong that the pen could not stop. But I am realising that as and when one gets practical and less emotional, the words seems to stop and the heart resists any writings like times before. Having a bit more control over emotions and thoughts makes one, at least me, less creative. Let's see how I fare here in the coming days.....

Day 69: A battle to be fought alone!

Life is a battle to be fought alone. The results entirely depend on oneself. Of course, friends and family are always there to support morally but they can never take your place to fight your situations, to win your battles and be yourself.

How true,

कोई कृष्ण सारथी बन आनेवाला नहीं यहाँ
खुद ही बुलंद करना है अपने रथ को यहाँ....

I wrote these lines during school time but this entire poem is very close to my heart. One day, I will put it on my blog. For now, a big good luck to all those who are fighting alone and still not giving up.

Day 68: To all my teachers!

Oh! my cooking interest is coming back, it seems. For me cooking is a phase. It goes through a slope (both downwards and upwards) and also hits a plateau. I think now it is taking a ascent! Yesterday was the day of almond-chocalte cake and today I made Masala Dosa-sambhar. Missed my favourite cocomut chutney as I didn't have the fresh coconut to make it. It was followed with me making 'strawberry jelly' with my two years & four months old kiddie. She loves doing things related to the freezer :-)

We relished good enough dosas (not perfect like the South Indians make) and hot piping spicy sambhar with the movie 'Taare Zameen Par'. I like the music and the lyrics of almost every song of the movie. While watching I realized how important is the role of teachers in the life of a student. Especially for young minds and young bodies, school is such an important place. Therefore, there should be quality in every corner of this place. A big building, fancy uniforms and modern liberal rules are not that the priority than the quality of its teachers. In the movie, the young boy Darsheel Safari plays the role of 'Ishaan'. He is suffering from dyslexia. The National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke gives the following definition for deyslexia (source- Wikipedia):

"Dyslexia is a brain-based type of learning disability that specifically impairs a person's ability to read. These individuals typically read at levels significantly lower than expected despite having normal intelligence."

The character Ishaan in the movie is very good painter but his parents, teachers and all others fail to notice this. They overlook his dreams and his joy as a young kid of 8-9 years. All that they see is his school notebook with red ink all over and a zero in his results. He is sent to the boarding school and there after some time, he meets his drawing teacher (role played by Aamir Khan) who understands him and discovers that the boy is suffering from dyslexia. He helps him out with his patience, encouraging words, time, friendliness and his interest in his dreams. He is such a good teacher. The movie also showcases various other teachers who only understand that brilliance is reflected in the marks on a report card. They use violence and scoldings to make the students better. So wrong! and so emotional when something like this was shown in the movie.

Through out my academic career (school/college etc) I have been a brilliant student and mostly a first ranker. Today, faces of many of my school classmates float before my eyes and I remember how conveniently they were tagged as 'dull' students. We, the rankers of class, atleast I didn't see them as sort of downtrodden' but

I also followed their tag and in my mind they had the image of dull and weak students. I never tried to think the reason 'why they were weak or dull'. For some it might be real brain-based problems, but for others it might be family circumstances, peer pressure, disinterest in subject, difficult to remove the tag of a 'weak student'. Today, I think I am a bit more broad minded and deep in thinking, I look for reasons behind somebody's behaviour and personality. I try to think before I judge somebody.

Through this post, I would like to thank all of my teachers who supported me, encouraged me to retain my 'brightness' as a student, who appreciated my poetry then in grade seventh itself and confided in me to move forward. They were my great pillars and what I am today I owe them too for besides my family.  The role of teachers is so important in shaping a young mind that it can make or mar the students personality. Their merit undoubtedly lies in the expertise in their subject but I think their real teachings lies in their patience and understanding of a young mind. I am lucky to have so good teachers and I will always be grateful to them.

Day 67: Inner positive energy

Today has been a great day, if not an ideal one that I dream of.

My choclate and almond cake trial came out superb and I was so tempted to eat a piece or two of it!

In the evening, I had good score at the driving practice too. It all made me so positive. I am realizing my steps though baby steps are taking me somewhere forward and life is not bad afterall.

Life is ofcourse a challenge which keeps challenging but in times of stuggles if we cherish these small happy and successful moments, life will seem slow but progressing. This is what I am going to remember tomorrow (and days to follow) because the list of immediate goals and deadlines is quite big.

I need energy and positivity. I am sure it comes more from within than from outside.

Day 64: उसे लगता है

उसे लगता है जिंदगी
ऐसी ही चलेगी,
उसे लगता है जिंदगी
ऐसे ही भागेगी!
उसे लगता है जिंदगी
ऐसे ही उसका इम्तहान लेगी
हमेशा और हमेशा....

लेकिन कोई उसे कोई कहता क्यों नहीं
नहीं, नहीं....ऐसा नहीं है!
जिंदगी इम्तहान लेगी
और लेती रहेगी
लेकिन हार नहीं मानोगे तो
पकड़ पाओगे इसकी रफ़्तार
और अपना सुकून.
कोई कहे उसे, कोई समझाए उसे
जिंदगी मे इन्द्रधनुष भी है
बारिश के बाद,
बस ढूँढना है अपना सूरज
जो चमका दे अपनी बूंदों को.

कोई कहे उसको,
हार न मानना,
पकडे रहना जिंदगी के इम्तहान को ,
जीत पक्की है
और जीवन भी!

Day 63: I am in love!

I have realized recently I love him-

the grandness,

the beauty,

the noise,

the calmness

all mesmerizes me….

I am so much in love with him-

the ‘mer’.

I often think,

what it would be to be with him

when the clouds and thunder go hand in hand

and wet me, and my heart…

often I imagine it’s beauty and it’s ghastly silhouette

in rains….

one day I would sit by his side

when it is raining

and it will surely wet me with

his sound, his vigour to reach out to me.

Yes, I am in so much love with him-

the ‘mer’!

*************************

In French, the ‘mer’ is the ‘sea’. :-)

What did you think, I was talking about ;-)

Vichode jinag de yaar....Punjabi sufi song

 The link to this song is  - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09v3o2t1_bU
Movie - Dus Kahaniya
Singer - Shafqat Ali Khan
Lyrics - Ambar Hoshyiarpuri

Vichode jinah de yaar de jaande, uh jeoundiyan jee mar jaande
Vang sudaaiyan
yaar di yaad vich ronde te kurlaonde
preet de naal koi akhiyan na laye
rog hi jarda sadiyan sataye
vichodiyan ne maar liya
kiven jeevan mainu samajh na aaye
zindagi vich * vala zeher haththi kho liya
thoda jinna pyar deke saara sukh kho liya
na main jaagan na main sovan
chori sajjana to rovan
sunjhe aasan vaale boohe kade khola kade thova
sajjan bekadari di mainu har dum yaad sataye
kiven jeevan mainu samajh na aaye
pyar wali khed khedi jhalle ho gaye haan
aisa kitta pyar asi ikalle ho gaye haan
pehlon has has laayiyan
phir ditiyan judaaiyan
mere pyar diyan uhne zara kadaran na payian
sachcha yaar kehnde uhnu jehda lagiyaan di laaj nibhaye
kiven jeevan mainu samajh na aaye

Day 62: Languages

Languages, the gate to communication and understanding culture. I have been in France now for about a year and I have realized through out that the French are very connected and close to their language. Most of them do not speak English, well I am not talking about entire France/South of France but a general statement (which is quite true).  So, I made a small effort and spent hundreds of hours learning French. I am very happy I can convey my message though I am still hotch potch in tenses and prepositions. Well, they will surely come with more and more listening and speaking. But this has already been so easy now to talk to people, go shopping, travel with public transport, make calls to crèche and schools and speak in French….it is so convenient if one knows the native language.

I had always a dream to see myself speaking some other language with the same ease as I speak Hindi and English. But, I never thought it would be a foreign language. I had a lot of Marathi friends, so thought would learn it some day. Some days I thought I would learn Gujrati, other days I thought Bengali….! Well, as you can see, I was always fascinated by languages but never got any chance or tried to learn any dedicatedly. Thanks to the French people, who are hard with English, I know some French now and I am proud to able to manage here.  

Yesterday, I was watching the movie ‘Dus Kahaniya (ten stories)’ and in one of the movies, it was Amruta Singh & Minisha Lamba as mother and daughter (ofcourse, respectively). This particular story had a tragic end and it ends with a beautiful song in Punjabi.  Well, I didn’t understand it word to word, but it was soulful and the lyrics sounded so sweet that I fell in love with this language. I think, every language’s folk songs or thoughts are very sweet and has the power (not even ability) to touch any one’s soul. Now, I would like to learn Punjabi so that I can understand soulful songs like this.

One of my favourite poets is Rabindra Nath Tagore….and to read his work and other Bangla literature, I would like to try my hands on Bengali too. Wow……beautiful dreams……I am happy! :-)

कुछ भाषाए बहुत मिठास भरी होती है, और मै उनकी मिठास से अनजानी नहीं रहना चाहती, इसीलिए यह सपना भर रही हू अपनी आँखों मै, की एक दिन काफी सारी language बोल पाऊ. This is not for others but just for my own sake. I see it as a big achievement to see myself speaking different languages.

Well, for now French is only the beginning…..

Day 61: Mothers

I used to wonder often that the kids who had beautiful mothers might be so happy about their mothers. My innocent myth was shattered when I became a mother. I am an average looking girl and my motherhood has made me realised that a kid loves his parents not what they are but he loves them by the measure of love and comfort he gets in their company. It does not matter if a parent is exceptionally beautiful. Love does not come from the beauty, it is the other way round- beauty comes with love.

Every parent dreams of a beautiful life for his kid and also toils for the kids all their lives. It is such a revealation to be a parent. It is not easy. The path is full of responsibilites, sacrifices and compromises. The day has to start before the kid wakes up and the day sometimes also starts when the kid goes to bed at night. It is the passage in between that determines the satisfaction of the kid and the parents. How well the parents have fared in the daytime to give a worthy day to the kid is so important. This is true especially for the kids who are at home and do not go to any daycare or school. The home has to be his first school and the parents have to be the teachers. It is the imagination that plays the role so pivotal in making kids learn something or the other, every day. That is and that should be the beauty of parents. The physical appearance has nothing to do with the warmth, the love, the joy and the learning that the kid gets or must get from his parents.

Day 60: Glamour and hard work

My breakfast today was combined with some phone calls from some friends (actually a few ones that I have in France), and only then I realise I am such a talkative person. Otherwise, I am so engrossed in my own world, my responsibilites and duties that I hardly speak to anyone.

With one of my friends, I just started to talk about Indian & French culture and when it is the right time to move back to India before the kids starts getting affected (iske pehle ke unko 'hawa' lag jaye)....then we shifted to TV shows we follow, we talked about Indian Idol, we talked about choreographer, Saroj Khan and her biography....etc etc.

Coming back to Saroj Khan, when I think of her or take/read her name, MADHURI flashes before my eyes. (so, I finished my breakfast watching her dances in 'Devdas'). She is such a beautiful dancer. I wish I could learn danse from her. Dancing is my passion but well I am quite an average dancer. Madhuri is my God .....I just love her, well I am only one of her crores of fans.....(feels bad :-)) )

I was wondering how much hard work these celebrity people have to do. The glamour, the name n fame, the money, the beautiful clothes, accessories, limelight.....they have it all, but it is not attained with a magic stick. It all comes with hard work, connections, sacrifices, routine n disciplined life, self control and immense determination. When I was at Cannes film festival in May this year, I saw the red carpet ceremony....was mesmerized to see so many stars on the red carpet and hundreds of fans cheering and getting mad for one autograph/handshake/close view etc. I thought these stars have toiled hard to be at this red carpet and experience this dazzling crowd of fans, it all does not come overnight. And today, all these came again to my head that hard work indeed pays you in life. It may be late, but surely, it will get paid one day in life. We are not to lose hope and give up, because who knows we are pretty close to winning.

With these thoughts (and ofcourse the energy n happiness from viweing Madhuri's danses), I am determined to win my battles and emerge as a winner....Good luck to me and all those who think same!

*My spellings for dance/danse are as a result of English/French (language that I am learning and practising now, being in France).

Day 59: Marriage

The world is so perfectly devised by the Almighty. For each one, he made somebody. And today, being our 6th marriage anniversary I look back and think we have come a long way and still very long to go too but hand in hand. I look back at the times we travelled to famous/unknown places together, how my cooking skills grew (and how jealous I was of you initially for your great cooking skills), how we shifted to our first house (that heap of clothes all over the room), how every movie you showed/recommended to me was at the end my favourite too, how you never watched 'Devdas' (SRK one) with me, how we both enjoyed  (and felt it is not our liking) our first pub visit. I also look back at our various fun moments, angry and irritated times, peace times. I just miss you today (as u are in the conference) and look forward to spent many great years with you. I also ponder today if we have become perfect (or almost perfect) for each other, do we always work as a unit! Well, if not, surely one day we will.

 

I also think of my mother n father today, and I ponder how well machine they had been. I remember Papa going for his business trips to so many cities in India, and from Mumbai, especially he used to bring us gifts. I still remember the innumerous packets of pencils, scented rubbers, notebooks, sharpners etc. he used to get us from Mumbai and Mummy keeping them in the trunk of the bed. She made sure we got a new one only when we needed it and she used to watch if we are wasting them. These are mothers and fathers. Typically, fathers earn, bring resources to home and it is the mothers who takes care of these resources. What a perfect machine it was and still today, they make sure we understand the value of things which we have in our lives. My father, never bought new things on a spur because he already had a shirt and quite usable, so what's the point in buying a new one. 

I admire so much the together machine work of parents. It is true for all the parents. Marriage is something that grows a man & woman from inside and makes them understand togetherness, sacrifices, compromises, achieving and working for dreams as one unit. It is such a beautiful relationship. I hope to have my relationship to getting beautiful each day!

Amen...

Day 58: सिर्फ तुम्हारे लिए ....

आज अभी सोचा मैंने
क्या लिख रही हू
और क्या सोच रही हू,

तभी ख़याल आया
क्यों न लिखू तुम्हे,
मेरे ही हो तुम
भाग्य हो तुम
और सब कुछ ही तो हो.

किस नाम से पुकारू तुम्हे
हसना-रोना भी तुम,
मुस्कान-आँसू भी तुम,
मंजिल-मुश्किले भी तुम,
पाना-खोना भी तुम,
जब सब कुछ तुम तो क्या सोचू
और क्या कहू,

चलो, आज से तुम्हारा ही रूप लिखूंगी
तुम्हे ही सजाऊँगी अपने शब्दों मे
....मेरी जिंदगी......

Day 57: जिंदगी सी जिंदगी...

कभी लगता है थमी है जिंदगी
तो कभी लगता है सवार है रेलगाड़ी पर,
कभी लगता है अच्छी है जिंदगी
तो कभी मिजाज बिगड़ा लगता है इसका,
कभी लगता है जैसे में नाच रही हू
तो कभी लगता है संगीत कही खो गया है.

दूसरो को देख कर, कभी पढ़ कर सीखा है मैंने
अनोखी नहीं मेरी जिंदगी
बिलकुल जिंदगी सी ही है,
क्या मेरी क्या किसी और की
ऐसी ही सी है जिंदगी
एक पल माशा तो एक पल तोला है जिंदगी
लेकिन फिर भी खूबसूरत
अजीज है जिंदगी.

Day 56: I miss you!

Your presence is what I love,
I am scared of your absence.

I feel you
now in the home when you are gone away,
I feel you
in your presence that's still lingering upon,
I feel you
in my mind repeating your words,
I feel you
in the mess that you left here,
I feel you
in the things that you touched.

I miss you
now and for the days to come,
I miss you
in the mundane things of daily life,
I miss you
in lunches and dinners,
I miss you
everywhere, on the chair
on the table
on the sofa-
relaxing,
engrossed in your sports sites,
shaving,
leaving clothes on the bed...

I miss you every moment now
take care,
always remember my love
and come home soon!

Day 53: Acceptance

Life brings different situations and different people in front of us. Some are favourable to our stream of thoughts while some are not. People come and go, also situations too does not last for long time, but sometimes we are hooked to our perceptions, thoughts and decisions. We do not want to change. In these cases, we are often advised to accept the situations and wait for the good days. It is indeed difficult. We are in an unfavourable situation and on top of that we have to wait/work to make it favourable. Not easy! and we are so reluctant and disheartened to accept things as they are.

I believe, this acceptance is such a big part of life, be it situations or people. The only control we have is over ourselves, over our thoughts and actions. External factors are rarely under our control or rarely remain controlled. In such situations, patience and stability of mind brings acceptance of the situation. I have learnt it from my past experiences, acceptance is not momentarily, it should be forever. For example, if I do not like somebody's behaviour, I have to accept this fact not only today and tomorrow but may be for weeks/months/years to come. If I accept it today and not tomorrow, I am again in the same situation the very next day. I lose my peace of mind, rationality and dignity. All this because I didn't made acceptance the integral part of my life with respect to a situation or person.

One more thing I have learnt, acceptance is without anger. It is always absorbed with patience, maturity and courage. It is not the quality of the weak. It is only the strong who are strong enough to accept something in real meaning. I always become happy when I re-live this lesson in my life and often accept the situations/people as they are. But I doubt, many people will argue this as a weakness and running away from battling with the situations or people. I have an answer to them, NO! Acceptance is not blind, it is a mature decision, a mature thought and a mature action. It is not taken in anger, it is full of patience. It is hard work to accept something/somebody as they are. It is never easy to accept but it is always easy not to accept. Therefore, acceptance, in real terms, for me is never escapism, it is hard work whose fruits are my peace of mind and joy from things/persons who can make it otherwise.

Day 52: Positive energy

Positive energy brings positive results. I am experiencing this. My scores for driving tests are improving and in turn my positive energy also increasing. Positive attracts positive for my life.

With a small improvement in my life (being a stability in scores), things does not look that harsh. It gives me enthusiasm and confidence that 'yes, I can do it'! It is a nice feeling-a sense of achievement. This can come from the smallest of the tasks we perform and enable us to perform hardest of tasks. Sense of achievement brings a sense of fulfilment. We try to bring it from many sources. People working in a office try to get it from the quality of their work, better social and interpersonal skills and timely work. People working in house try to obtain it from cooking, maintaining a discipline of the house, keeping a clean and lively atmosphere at house etc. The level of task being performed does not matter, it is the energy obtained from it is what matters. This is so because this energy feeds into other areas of our lives. How true, for a heart full of locve, love is everywhere. Similarly, for a positive person, life's struggles are defeatable and life is a challenge that can be handled positively. He is surely in possession of a divine energy.

I love this state of my mind....!

Day 51: Faith

One of the videos sent to me by my husband had made me positive for my driving exam and its preparation. After that, coincidentally I have visted many blogs that write one or the other inspirational stories. I am finding life so beautiful, at least worth giving my best shots in my struggles. My faith on God had been increasing and I believe if I call Him, He will always come and stand beside me. This faith itself has given me so must positivity, it is difficult to express.

Actually, I am realizing it is all about perspective in life. How we view one thing is all it matters to make it good or bad. May be our stuggles are meant to take us high and we don't often realize and try to pull the struggles down by giving up. A positive attitude will definitely bring positive results. Yes, I am going to stay positive and am sure, I will achieve all that I want to achieve.

I am not very religious. Though I would like to burn an incense stick, read some holy book everyday but I am too lazy for all this. But I take the God's name everyday and at least believe in him. The video that I saw has left me spellbound with the message that if I open up to God, he will surely open up to me. And this one statement has filled me with positive energy, vigour and enthusiasm to overtake the struggles and battles of life.

I feel good....today!

Day 49:

Today, I finally managed to try my hands on cooking after a long time. This was in my mind from a long time but was escaping unknowingly and today felt nice after making a new dish. I tried Spaghetti with Walnut Sauce. I am sure to make it one more time next month to improve the things I did not do that right today.

I have been realizing cooking also gives me energy. It was not always. May be I cooked something new after some time, so I felt nice. I think everything done with passion and with sincere effort brings out good results which give inner satisfaction and a sense of achievement. This is what happened yesterday.

I also went to Hippodrome beach yesterday and ran for say (less than) 10 minutes. It was very stressing to my body but don’t know why I loved the tension in my back. My legs are still paining. But I think I must do it more often to reduce some fat which I have accumulated in the past months due to overheating. My stress and irritations (or no reason) prompt me to eat every hour. Well, too much! So, I think I will run every week now. Also, I must start my skating. I investigated good amount of money to buy my roller skates and have used them only twice in 2 months, so I must get going on that too.

In the coming months, I will like to start dancing too. I want to be a good and elegant dancer. I think once I am done with the driving stuff, next is my dancing. Just want to do it for myself.

Well, for now lots of stuff on my hands, and I am excited about all of them:

• Skating
• Running
• Cooking something new every two weeks
• Dancing

Day 48:

Life's mistakes never leave you. They will follow you for a long time. I have two options, either to give up or just keep working to move forward putting my feet on them.

It is being very difficult to move forward. My all precious time and all energy is going away in just learning driving things in France. Yes, I am responsible I didn't do in Holland where it was comparatively easy, and today I am being punished for this. Yes, life's mistakes never leaves you. My all energy is being zapped away. At the end of the day I have it on mind, next morning I have to wake up early and study/practice tests etc. Why...life is not simple for me?

There is a constant pressure on me from this world to drive a car. Driving was my passion in India. And here...it is a headache. Because I have to give an exam to obtain my license. The time when I should be giving my energy in charting our my career plan, teaching alphabets and poems to my daughter, I am studying myself. I hate this life, will India be different? I want to run away to my home, to my people, to my comfort zone....will it be better?

Day 47: Introspect....I will try!

The beauty of a person lies in his deeds and thoughts. Actually, the thoughts make his actions, and his actions make his personality. I am by nature a little short tempered and this is one thing I want to erase from my aura. Life is beautiful without anger and irritations. Today, I am remembering the moral science books I learnt in school. They emphasized so much on truths of life. But that time, we kids had no time and no interest in reading those books so morally. Even sometimes I feel, I should have taken the PT exercises in school seriously. Well, time is gone and like an arrow that leaves the bow time can never come back.

Coming back to the anger residing in me, I am thinking to revise my lessons of 'self-introspection'. Each night before going to bed, I would like to replay the actions and circumstances of the entire day, and evaluate myself. I am sure, this is going to help me be a better person in my own eyes. The foremost contribution it will make to me is that it will be provide me inner peace and strenght. The calmness that goodness brings is so blissful that I would like to have more and more of it. I know this by my little experience. When I am hurt by someone's behaviour, words or actions, immediately my mind or my heart wants to take a revenge and there is a feeling 'dikha dunga ("I will show''). I know I can not do anything like hurting somebody knowingly in a preplanned manner, still I want to take revenge. Gradually, the seething hurt and anger makes me sad and, more and more angry. This takes so much of energy which I can use for better things in life. If I am my true self, I need to make no extra effort to think wrong or try to harm somebody. This is me, I don't want to hurt somebody intentionally from the core of my heart. This makes me so calm. So, why not I let go many things which I still don't let go?

Therefore, each night I would take God's name and try to introspect and see what bad I have done that day. I will try my best not to repeat the mistake and also foresee the situations where I can lose my temper.

Day 46: A confession!

Today, coming back to routine stuff....it is so so important. Today is a new start once again...

I have also realized once again like many other times, if I let things drag for today, I am sure I will let them drag tomorrow and day after tomorrow too....today is so important! It is the only day that is in my hands.....do not wait for tomorrow, do it today and you can be a bit sure your tomorrow will be what you want it to be today.

Like the blog thing...I was so determined and tried to keep the momentum....one day I let it go without any post.. I saw other days also like this...I am feeling bad. This was not what I wanted and this was not why I started this. I am back today for ever and from now on I am not going to miss any days (as far it is in my control).

Day 44: France is welcoming me with open arms!

France is beautiful, except the fact only French people live there.

Well, France is welcoming me wonderfully. This place sucks very often (I can also say I should be a better planned person to avoid the roughness of such a place).

• No driving license: be ready to travel in public transport buses, with few/single bus(es) running on popular routes. The bus driver does not stop the bus if bus is full, so you wait for another 15-20/30-35 minutes. If you get in the bus, no place to sit even if you hold a baby in your hand. No body stands up and gives you a place. Literally felt like shouting and abusing today. But luckily or unluckily, didn't know this level of French :-)
• Pre-schools/creches are booked almost 6-8 months ago and your child keeps on struggling with you at home. His learning and socialising skills are affected (invisibly).
• People hardly speak English. Why the hell, India is stressing on English and not sticking to our Hindi? Well, at least with English, I can talk to the people living in South India.
• The driving license exam is all in French. First learn French then give the exam...oh! no...then study and give practice tests in French. Get a consistent score and only then you are allowed to give the final exam.
• Summer is very hot...well in my hometown in India too. But I never got tanned so quickly there....I wish I could post photo of my tanned back... :-)), no sun-screen is working well for me!

This all can also be seen as misplanned actions for me. I could have learnt driving in Holland in 4 years (exam is in English), could have registered for kiddie's creche/preschool 6-8 months back rather than today....could learn better French (not to abuse....well!) and communicate better with people.....(but no time, I am busy learning the driving license book in French, I give no attention to the tenses used, focus only on the message conveyed). Oh! I am missing India so much....

Day 43:

A ray of hope is enough to stir the boat ahead!

Day 42:

I have missing writing more often now. I am getting loose, and my momentum is diminishing every day. I did not write for last 2 days not because I didn't want to write but because I didn't have any thoughts that I could write, well just had mundane things of life-daily work, studying, parenting....there was nothing new that I could contribute new or just repeat. Actually, I didn't want to repeat it to myself. Also, my energy levels are quite down, so thought and relaxed by skipping writing.

I am writing for my own self, so that my thoughts get an outlet, my emotions gets discharged and my brain gets charged up. Life seems in a mess today. I am very sad today though not lonely. Thinking about my own self has become a burden, a task. I don't know how my life boat is going to come on the shores but today I really wished a magic wand which could set everything all right, all dreams fulfilled, all exams passed, all passions explored and the self......known/revealed.

Life is not bad, but sometimes it just seems so mess that cannot be corrected at the moment. If my posts talk about my frustration, my aspirations and my struggles...this is me. When I am happy and feel bliss with my kiddie that is me. I cannot write what I am not. Sometimes, I am afraid I am becoming an open book which I never want. And sometimes, I do not care about these things. This is me, and nobody can harm my thoughts, my hopes and my actions. This is the truth I know and mostly want to believe it. I do not know when mu hopes will turn into reality…may be this is the problem. I do not know! I do not plan! I do not foresee!

I still feel life is good and beautiful but I am sure there are times when everybody needs and wishes a magic wand….

from somewhere...just like that.

"The end comes when we no longer talk with ourselves. It is the end of genuine thinking and the beginning of the final loneliness. The remarkable thing is that the cessation of the inner dialogue marks also the end of our concern with the world around us. It is as if we noted the world and think about it only when we have to report it to ourselves."

Day 39: I Love You!

My heart reach out to you
but I can not!
There is a guilt inside me
when I am happy
and you are not!
How can I enjoy and be normal
when you are not!
How can I not cry when
I can't help you?

Have I accepted I can not
do anything for you,
it is your destiny
and I am mostly out of it?
Have I accepted it life's
battles are fought alone
atleast without you having me?
Should I accept I am being selfish
and engrossed in my beautiful
world?
But then, I have my own struggles
why do I weigh them with yours?
Have I accepted I am big and able
to handle come what may in my life
but
does not hold it true for you?
Should I accept you have to come
out of your struggles on your own,
I can just be here,
may be shed a lil tear
and again be back to where I live
happily, busy with my own
petty struggles?

I know, amidst of all this
words, feelings of selfishness,
distance,
my heart reach out to you
and I can only fold my hands n pray,
God give you immense love
and peace at the end of each day!

I love you.

Day 38: Grass is always greener on the other side!

It is about more than a year and close to some two years, I am at home. I mean to say I am not working, well, I mean to say I am not doing any job. I quit my job at the end of 2008 to be with my daughter who was then some 10 months old. At the time when people were scared to deaths about losing their jobs, I quit my job and sat at home, well, all without a future plan. I never gave it a second thought as my motherly feelings always took the first place. Well, no regrets.

I was happy and content for some months, taking full care of my daughter and seeing her grow little day by day. It is a contentment to see them learn something each day or do something new every day. But gradually, I realized it is being difficult for me to be at home, all alone. In India, I would be happy because I am with the family and friends to talk to, to share myself with. But here, no one actually. Shishir constantly asked me look at things that make me happy and content at the end of the day. He said, yes that is what can be done here. He always want me to be happy. For him, me doing a job may not be a source of happiness. He just wants me to be happy, content and creative. Why do I always feel doing and getting a job is the goal for me? Why can't I gain the sense of achievement from some other source?

After a job, there would be new things-busy schedules, less time for Avni, hundreds of chores to be done in less time and with more planning, fatigue etc. Why the life seems better after crossing the boundary of having a job in the kitty? Well, for now, I say the grass always looks greener on the other side. (But, at the same time, I am hopeful to be organized and active in the times when I have my 'other side').

day 37: Work hard, Party hard

From some months I have started loving the phrase-"work hard and party hard". Rather, I must say I have understood the meaning of this phrase now at this point of my life. I have understood that after hard work every small moment is a party and calls for a right to relaxation. Here, the party does not mean loud music, dance or dinner at a restaurant. It can simply point to pampering oneself. The pampering can be a simple long tub bath, eating sweet pastries for a day without feeling guilty, humming a tune of your favourite song, doing nothing in the whole day and still be content at the end of the day.

Life sometimes seem to me that it is running. France is a country to enjoy outdoor activities. I think, I must say, South of France. More Sun, sea, mountains all make it a beautiful place offering so much to enjoy and relax. Each weekend is full of menu items like shopping, dinners, beach fun, swimming, etc. But at the same time, I feel how my life can be fast. I am at home, alone, taking care of the baby, learning French for the French driving exam (frustating!!!), I miss my friends from college and hanging out with them.....yuck..life is slow. The driving thing is taking long, unable to find a creche/preschool for the daughter...how are the things being ticked in the life? No,life is slow, it is just I am running to make it a little faster. And, yes it leaves me exhausted. But I am hopeful with each new Sun, though by the Moon falls and the stars twinkle, all the energy has vanished with the day's mundane and tough tasks. Each new day has a plan and I start walking like on a chess board, trying to play my pawns against some devils like laziness and frustation, and gaining the queen of momentum. Each Sun rise I promise myself a better day than the previous one. I am happy I am not giving up (though I feel sometimes, this driving thing (in particular) will drive me insane). I love PB Shelly's words:

Rise like lions after slumber
In unvanquishable number-
Shake your chains to earth like dew
Which in sleep had fallen on you-
Ye are many- they are few.'

And after I rise like a lion each day, work hard, think hard, fight hard, I am sure one day I can party hard (without any guilt, without any worry to achieve a pending goal).

Day 36: Poem with a body and a soul...

Recently, I came across this poem and I could not control my tears. I don't know who penned this beatiful thing but surely is heart renting. I do not understand why people drink? To enjoy themselves, to forget the complications of life, to be happy!, to get drunk, to satisfy their egos and show-off....

I do not know what and how many reasons can be attributed to driving with drinking.....but I am think this poem should reach to more and more number of people. Therefore, I would like to post it here, so that a passer-by reads this and understands the importance of his and someone else's life...

I went to a party Mom,
I remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom,
So I drank soda instead.

I really felt proud inside, Mom,
The way you said I would.
I didn't drink and drive, Mom,
Even though the others said I should.

I know I did the right thing, Mom,
I know you are always right.
Now the party is finally ending, Mom,
As everyone is driving out of sight.

As I got into my car, Mom,
I knew I'd get home in one piece.
Because of the way you raised me,
So responsible and sweet.

I started to drive away, Mom,
But as I pulled out into the road,
The other car didn't see me, Mom,
And hit me like a load.

As I lay there on the pavement, Mom,
I hear the policeman say,
"The other guy is drunk," Mom,
And now I'm the one who will pay.

I'm lying here dying, Mom....
I wish you'd get here soon.
How could this happen to me, Mom?
My life just burst like a balloon.

There is blood all around me, Mom,
And most of it is mine.
I hear the medic say, Mom,
I'll die in a short time.

I just wanted to tell you, Mom,
I swear I didn't drink.
It was the others, Mom.
The others didn't think.

He was probably at the same party as I.
The only difference is, he drank
And I will die.

Why do people drink, Mom?
It can ruin your whole life.
I'm feeling sharp pains now.
Pains just like a knife.

The guy who hit me is walking, Mom,
And I don't think it's fair.
I'm lying here dying
And all he can do is stare.

Tell my brother not to cry, Mom.
Tell Daddy to be brave.
And when I go to heaven, Mom,
Put "GOOD BOY " on my grave.

Someone should have told him, Mom,
Not to drink and drive.
If only they had told him, Mom,
I would still be alive.

My breath is getting shorter, Mom.
I'm becoming very scared.
Please don't cry for me, Mom.
When I needed you, you were always there.

I have one last question, Mom.
Before I say good bye.
I didn't drink and drive,
So why am I the one to die?

Day 35: Freedom

I missed yesterday. Whole day got busy for some or the other reason and evening was hit by a terrible headache. I never had such a thing before. Oh my God, it was something really bad. Well, back to my space again.

This word 'space' reminds me of freedom. Freedom to express, freedom to think and freedom to react. I don't think I am doing enough justice to the space. I am not free, free by my mind to write (well, to think ofcourse).

Anyways, my hands are still full of the tasks I need to do and the goals I need to achieve. Well, a few short term but would have long term effects. Probably, from tomorrow I would change a few things to speed up the process of achieving them.I think I am still struggling with a few basic things in life (partly because I live alone and don't have any social pressures that are experienced in India) like setting up a routine for sleep times, and for various other tasks that if done on time won't be a burden later. I think I need to work on this again with a new perspective and strategy. Also, need to be make my body more active and sleep less. How important it is to exercise control over these small things...well, still hopeful and tomorrow is a new day! Good luck to me.

Day 33: Fete des Voisins

28th May, the last friday of the month of May is celebrated as 'Fete des Voisins' in France. Voisins means neighbours. This is a day where all the people residing in a domain/colony come together with some or the other stuff to eat & drink and meet each other.

It was my first of its kind of experience. I made pakoras with tamarind chutney. I used courgette (zuchini), potatoes and green capsicum for the pakoras. I expected my neigbours would like them as it is an exotic dish for them. Yes, it was an instant hit and were finished very soon. I got to hear comments like 'bravo', 'felicitations', 'tres delicieux' etc. Well, I was happy as my hard work paid off nicely.

However, I could not accomplish the main purpose of the day, to meet new people and make some contacts to enhance further. I saw people who lived closed by each other formed a group and were having chats. I was very hesitant to go further and just say 'bonjour' and start a conversation. I talked to a lady who was born in Paris and told me this does not happen in Paris as it is a big city. Well...

Man is a social animal. He needs company. Often, I feel lonely as I do not have friends like I used to have in India. I miss going to movies, restaurants with friends, driving my kinectic honda, meeting family and relatives, talking to neighbours like family, sharing food with them, & so much. But moving on is life and though I feel nostalgic I have somewhere accepted the fact that the old days should stay in memories and hardly be relived again. Times, people, circumstance, myself, responsibilities all have changed and life never takes an U-turn. Well, I am quite happy with the life with a few improvements here & there, a few smiles now n then and a little discipline, and it would definitely be better.

Day 32:

Some people always remain babies for us. I felt it for some time for my younger brother and I was always protective and worried about him (though I am miles and miles away from him). Gradually, I realized if I have grown up, so he too. Everybody has their own struggles and happiness. Today, I am proud he is managing his life in a good way. (touchwood & God bless!)

Tomorrow my youngest cousin is getting married. I am sitting in France and enjoying all the ceremonies/fun/music/mehandi/etc. on phone. I am so much far away from the functions. It is ok, though I feel nostalgic. My cousin is not that young, should say about the right age to be married, but for me she is the baby of the family. I am concerned and thoughtful about her new life and pray all the love and luck for her. She is getting married in another city. To me it is so strange and difficult to accept that we pack her bags, and marry her and come back to our city, leaving her in an entirely new city amongst new people. But, well, that is how it goes, atleast in India.

I was thinking about this sometime back as my mind was occupied with thoughts of cousin getting married in a new city. Outside India too, I have not seen boys leaving their house and going to the girl's place to live after they commit or marry. It is the other way round or they live in a new house which they mutually own. Living outside for some 6 years now, I have understood that I love a place which is between India and Holland (where I have been till last year, for 6 years). I like the value system, the close knit concept of families and the dress-up of India whereas I like the individualism, the non-interference, the no-nonsense life style and the freedom of Holland. I want to balance these aspects and find a place. Well, quite tough! Coming back to marriages, I find it strange that the girls leave their parent's house to settle in an entirely different household with different thought system, action stream, routine, cuture and discipline. How easily the girls at least want to mould themselves. They know it is difficult for them, but they have the will (I must say, most of the girls have this will). I have also done the same but it still gives me old memories where I missed my parents, my own home, my room, each n everything of my house so much, in the initial days but I held on. I was sad missing my family but I never admitted that just to show some courage to them.

To non-Indians, this culture seems fascinating and interesting. To me, it seems so (I am not getting the right word) sometimes wierd, sometimes so part and parcel of our lives, sometimes so strange! But this is what has happened from centuries. It is best to accept it rather than question it. I think I am not questioning anything, but just trying to express my feelings on this particular subject. For the moment, I only wish happiness and good luck to my cousin. I hope in some years, I will feel she has grown up and will stop being a baby for me.

Day 31: The art of raising a child

My hands are full with the preparation for French theory driving exam, searching for creche for the kiddie, practising my French, etc. one more thing and all the work spills.

Amongst all this, my mind is often occupies with various questions about parenting. I ask myself and also judge myself if I am doing things right for my kiddie. Being away from the immediate families in India, it is so important for the parents (like us living outside India) to think of many steps ahead for the development of their child. They need to be always on toes. I am concerned if this should be a natural process or a process consisting of various steps carried out with lots of efforts. In India, with the grand-parents (or also without them), there is so much that the child learns subconsciously. But we have to make an extra effort.

Each day, I think what new should I do that my daughter enjoys her day and also learns something each day. She is often full of energy when Shishir returns from office and I wonder what she had done in the day time to take out this energy reserve. She needs to be out with other kids, she needs to run, play with ball, enjoy nature, touch grass/flowers/stones/leaves...so much for her to enjoy and make her day interesting. But I am so much engrossed with my own things and evaluations, that most of the times I care for her/feed her/dress her up/play somethings with her/sing her some poems/put cartoons and I am on my own & she on her own. I am tired all day to be involved with her all day. I often ask, am I doing enough and I always have a list of things which I can still do.

I think, raising a child is an art as well as a science. Today, I will talk only about art. It is so much a process full of patience and years of hard work/discipline. It is not easy, it is so full of responsibility and regularity. The colors we offer, would reflect in our painting. Same with a child. A vibrant personality comes up with the vibarnt hues offered to him. A dull canvas would bring dull colors and eventually, a dull picture.