Day 67: Inner positive energy

Today has been a great day, if not an ideal one that I dream of.

My choclate and almond cake trial came out superb and I was so tempted to eat a piece or two of it!

In the evening, I had good score at the driving practice too. It all made me so positive. I am realizing my steps though baby steps are taking me somewhere forward and life is not bad afterall.

Life is ofcourse a challenge which keeps challenging but in times of stuggles if we cherish these small happy and successful moments, life will seem slow but progressing. This is what I am going to remember tomorrow (and days to follow) because the list of immediate goals and deadlines is quite big.

I need energy and positivity. I am sure it comes more from within than from outside.

Day 64: उसे लगता है

उसे लगता है जिंदगी
ऐसी ही चलेगी,
उसे लगता है जिंदगी
ऐसे ही भागेगी!
उसे लगता है जिंदगी
ऐसे ही उसका इम्तहान लेगी
हमेशा और हमेशा....

लेकिन कोई उसे कोई कहता क्यों नहीं
नहीं, नहीं....ऐसा नहीं है!
जिंदगी इम्तहान लेगी
और लेती रहेगी
लेकिन हार नहीं मानोगे तो
पकड़ पाओगे इसकी रफ़्तार
और अपना सुकून.
कोई कहे उसे, कोई समझाए उसे
जिंदगी मे इन्द्रधनुष भी है
बारिश के बाद,
बस ढूँढना है अपना सूरज
जो चमका दे अपनी बूंदों को.

कोई कहे उसको,
हार न मानना,
पकडे रहना जिंदगी के इम्तहान को ,
जीत पक्की है
और जीवन भी!

Day 63: I am in love!

I have realized recently I love him-

the grandness,

the beauty,

the noise,

the calmness

all mesmerizes me….

I am so much in love with him-

the ‘mer’.

I often think,

what it would be to be with him

when the clouds and thunder go hand in hand

and wet me, and my heart…

often I imagine it’s beauty and it’s ghastly silhouette

in rains….

one day I would sit by his side

when it is raining

and it will surely wet me with

his sound, his vigour to reach out to me.

Yes, I am in so much love with him-

the ‘mer’!

*************************

In French, the ‘mer’ is the ‘sea’. :-)

What did you think, I was talking about ;-)

Vichode jinag de yaar....Punjabi sufi song

 The link to this song is  - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09v3o2t1_bU
Movie - Dus Kahaniya
Singer - Shafqat Ali Khan
Lyrics - Ambar Hoshyiarpuri

Vichode jinah de yaar de jaande, uh jeoundiyan jee mar jaande
Vang sudaaiyan
yaar di yaad vich ronde te kurlaonde
preet de naal koi akhiyan na laye
rog hi jarda sadiyan sataye
vichodiyan ne maar liya
kiven jeevan mainu samajh na aaye
zindagi vich * vala zeher haththi kho liya
thoda jinna pyar deke saara sukh kho liya
na main jaagan na main sovan
chori sajjana to rovan
sunjhe aasan vaale boohe kade khola kade thova
sajjan bekadari di mainu har dum yaad sataye
kiven jeevan mainu samajh na aaye
pyar wali khed khedi jhalle ho gaye haan
aisa kitta pyar asi ikalle ho gaye haan
pehlon has has laayiyan
phir ditiyan judaaiyan
mere pyar diyan uhne zara kadaran na payian
sachcha yaar kehnde uhnu jehda lagiyaan di laaj nibhaye
kiven jeevan mainu samajh na aaye

Day 62: Languages

Languages, the gate to communication and understanding culture. I have been in France now for about a year and I have realized through out that the French are very connected and close to their language. Most of them do not speak English, well I am not talking about entire France/South of France but a general statement (which is quite true).  So, I made a small effort and spent hundreds of hours learning French. I am very happy I can convey my message though I am still hotch potch in tenses and prepositions. Well, they will surely come with more and more listening and speaking. But this has already been so easy now to talk to people, go shopping, travel with public transport, make calls to crèche and schools and speak in French….it is so convenient if one knows the native language.

I had always a dream to see myself speaking some other language with the same ease as I speak Hindi and English. But, I never thought it would be a foreign language. I had a lot of Marathi friends, so thought would learn it some day. Some days I thought I would learn Gujrati, other days I thought Bengali….! Well, as you can see, I was always fascinated by languages but never got any chance or tried to learn any dedicatedly. Thanks to the French people, who are hard with English, I know some French now and I am proud to able to manage here.  

Yesterday, I was watching the movie ‘Dus Kahaniya (ten stories)’ and in one of the movies, it was Amruta Singh & Minisha Lamba as mother and daughter (ofcourse, respectively). This particular story had a tragic end and it ends with a beautiful song in Punjabi.  Well, I didn’t understand it word to word, but it was soulful and the lyrics sounded so sweet that I fell in love with this language. I think, every language’s folk songs or thoughts are very sweet and has the power (not even ability) to touch any one’s soul. Now, I would like to learn Punjabi so that I can understand soulful songs like this.

One of my favourite poets is Rabindra Nath Tagore….and to read his work and other Bangla literature, I would like to try my hands on Bengali too. Wow……beautiful dreams……I am happy! :-)

कुछ भाषाए बहुत मिठास भरी होती है, और मै उनकी मिठास से अनजानी नहीं रहना चाहती, इसीलिए यह सपना भर रही हू अपनी आँखों मै, की एक दिन काफी सारी language बोल पाऊ. This is not for others but just for my own sake. I see it as a big achievement to see myself speaking different languages.

Well, for now French is only the beginning…..

Day 61: Mothers

I used to wonder often that the kids who had beautiful mothers might be so happy about their mothers. My innocent myth was shattered when I became a mother. I am an average looking girl and my motherhood has made me realised that a kid loves his parents not what they are but he loves them by the measure of love and comfort he gets in their company. It does not matter if a parent is exceptionally beautiful. Love does not come from the beauty, it is the other way round- beauty comes with love.

Every parent dreams of a beautiful life for his kid and also toils for the kids all their lives. It is such a revealation to be a parent. It is not easy. The path is full of responsibilites, sacrifices and compromises. The day has to start before the kid wakes up and the day sometimes also starts when the kid goes to bed at night. It is the passage in between that determines the satisfaction of the kid and the parents. How well the parents have fared in the daytime to give a worthy day to the kid is so important. This is true especially for the kids who are at home and do not go to any daycare or school. The home has to be his first school and the parents have to be the teachers. It is the imagination that plays the role so pivotal in making kids learn something or the other, every day. That is and that should be the beauty of parents. The physical appearance has nothing to do with the warmth, the love, the joy and the learning that the kid gets or must get from his parents.

Day 60: Glamour and hard work

My breakfast today was combined with some phone calls from some friends (actually a few ones that I have in France), and only then I realise I am such a talkative person. Otherwise, I am so engrossed in my own world, my responsibilites and duties that I hardly speak to anyone.

With one of my friends, I just started to talk about Indian & French culture and when it is the right time to move back to India before the kids starts getting affected (iske pehle ke unko 'hawa' lag jaye)....then we shifted to TV shows we follow, we talked about Indian Idol, we talked about choreographer, Saroj Khan and her biography....etc etc.

Coming back to Saroj Khan, when I think of her or take/read her name, MADHURI flashes before my eyes. (so, I finished my breakfast watching her dances in 'Devdas'). She is such a beautiful dancer. I wish I could learn danse from her. Dancing is my passion but well I am quite an average dancer. Madhuri is my God .....I just love her, well I am only one of her crores of fans.....(feels bad :-)) )

I was wondering how much hard work these celebrity people have to do. The glamour, the name n fame, the money, the beautiful clothes, accessories, limelight.....they have it all, but it is not attained with a magic stick. It all comes with hard work, connections, sacrifices, routine n disciplined life, self control and immense determination. When I was at Cannes film festival in May this year, I saw the red carpet ceremony....was mesmerized to see so many stars on the red carpet and hundreds of fans cheering and getting mad for one autograph/handshake/close view etc. I thought these stars have toiled hard to be at this red carpet and experience this dazzling crowd of fans, it all does not come overnight. And today, all these came again to my head that hard work indeed pays you in life. It may be late, but surely, it will get paid one day in life. We are not to lose hope and give up, because who knows we are pretty close to winning.

With these thoughts (and ofcourse the energy n happiness from viweing Madhuri's danses), I am determined to win my battles and emerge as a winner....Good luck to me and all those who think same!

*My spellings for dance/danse are as a result of English/French (language that I am learning and practising now, being in France).

Day 59: Marriage

The world is so perfectly devised by the Almighty. For each one, he made somebody. And today, being our 6th marriage anniversary I look back and think we have come a long way and still very long to go too but hand in hand. I look back at the times we travelled to famous/unknown places together, how my cooking skills grew (and how jealous I was of you initially for your great cooking skills), how we shifted to our first house (that heap of clothes all over the room), how every movie you showed/recommended to me was at the end my favourite too, how you never watched 'Devdas' (SRK one) with me, how we both enjoyed  (and felt it is not our liking) our first pub visit. I also look back at our various fun moments, angry and irritated times, peace times. I just miss you today (as u are in the conference) and look forward to spent many great years with you. I also ponder today if we have become perfect (or almost perfect) for each other, do we always work as a unit! Well, if not, surely one day we will.

 

I also think of my mother n father today, and I ponder how well machine they had been. I remember Papa going for his business trips to so many cities in India, and from Mumbai, especially he used to bring us gifts. I still remember the innumerous packets of pencils, scented rubbers, notebooks, sharpners etc. he used to get us from Mumbai and Mummy keeping them in the trunk of the bed. She made sure we got a new one only when we needed it and she used to watch if we are wasting them. These are mothers and fathers. Typically, fathers earn, bring resources to home and it is the mothers who takes care of these resources. What a perfect machine it was and still today, they make sure we understand the value of things which we have in our lives. My father, never bought new things on a spur because he already had a shirt and quite usable, so what's the point in buying a new one. 

I admire so much the together machine work of parents. It is true for all the parents. Marriage is something that grows a man & woman from inside and makes them understand togetherness, sacrifices, compromises, achieving and working for dreams as one unit. It is such a beautiful relationship. I hope to have my relationship to getting beautiful each day!

Amen...

Day 58: सिर्फ तुम्हारे लिए ....

आज अभी सोचा मैंने
क्या लिख रही हू
और क्या सोच रही हू,

तभी ख़याल आया
क्यों न लिखू तुम्हे,
मेरे ही हो तुम
भाग्य हो तुम
और सब कुछ ही तो हो.

किस नाम से पुकारू तुम्हे
हसना-रोना भी तुम,
मुस्कान-आँसू भी तुम,
मंजिल-मुश्किले भी तुम,
पाना-खोना भी तुम,
जब सब कुछ तुम तो क्या सोचू
और क्या कहू,

चलो, आज से तुम्हारा ही रूप लिखूंगी
तुम्हे ही सजाऊँगी अपने शब्दों मे
....मेरी जिंदगी......

Day 57: जिंदगी सी जिंदगी...

कभी लगता है थमी है जिंदगी
तो कभी लगता है सवार है रेलगाड़ी पर,
कभी लगता है अच्छी है जिंदगी
तो कभी मिजाज बिगड़ा लगता है इसका,
कभी लगता है जैसे में नाच रही हू
तो कभी लगता है संगीत कही खो गया है.

दूसरो को देख कर, कभी पढ़ कर सीखा है मैंने
अनोखी नहीं मेरी जिंदगी
बिलकुल जिंदगी सी ही है,
क्या मेरी क्या किसी और की
ऐसी ही सी है जिंदगी
एक पल माशा तो एक पल तोला है जिंदगी
लेकिन फिर भी खूबसूरत
अजीज है जिंदगी.

Day 56: I miss you!

Your presence is what I love,
I am scared of your absence.

I feel you
now in the home when you are gone away,
I feel you
in your presence that's still lingering upon,
I feel you
in my mind repeating your words,
I feel you
in the mess that you left here,
I feel you
in the things that you touched.

I miss you
now and for the days to come,
I miss you
in the mundane things of daily life,
I miss you
in lunches and dinners,
I miss you
everywhere, on the chair
on the table
on the sofa-
relaxing,
engrossed in your sports sites,
shaving,
leaving clothes on the bed...

I miss you every moment now
take care,
always remember my love
and come home soon!

Day 53: Acceptance

Life brings different situations and different people in front of us. Some are favourable to our stream of thoughts while some are not. People come and go, also situations too does not last for long time, but sometimes we are hooked to our perceptions, thoughts and decisions. We do not want to change. In these cases, we are often advised to accept the situations and wait for the good days. It is indeed difficult. We are in an unfavourable situation and on top of that we have to wait/work to make it favourable. Not easy! and we are so reluctant and disheartened to accept things as they are.

I believe, this acceptance is such a big part of life, be it situations or people. The only control we have is over ourselves, over our thoughts and actions. External factors are rarely under our control or rarely remain controlled. In such situations, patience and stability of mind brings acceptance of the situation. I have learnt it from my past experiences, acceptance is not momentarily, it should be forever. For example, if I do not like somebody's behaviour, I have to accept this fact not only today and tomorrow but may be for weeks/months/years to come. If I accept it today and not tomorrow, I am again in the same situation the very next day. I lose my peace of mind, rationality and dignity. All this because I didn't made acceptance the integral part of my life with respect to a situation or person.

One more thing I have learnt, acceptance is without anger. It is always absorbed with patience, maturity and courage. It is not the quality of the weak. It is only the strong who are strong enough to accept something in real meaning. I always become happy when I re-live this lesson in my life and often accept the situations/people as they are. But I doubt, many people will argue this as a weakness and running away from battling with the situations or people. I have an answer to them, NO! Acceptance is not blind, it is a mature decision, a mature thought and a mature action. It is not taken in anger, it is full of patience. It is hard work to accept something/somebody as they are. It is never easy to accept but it is always easy not to accept. Therefore, acceptance, in real terms, for me is never escapism, it is hard work whose fruits are my peace of mind and joy from things/persons who can make it otherwise.

Day 52: Positive energy

Positive energy brings positive results. I am experiencing this. My scores for driving tests are improving and in turn my positive energy also increasing. Positive attracts positive for my life.

With a small improvement in my life (being a stability in scores), things does not look that harsh. It gives me enthusiasm and confidence that 'yes, I can do it'! It is a nice feeling-a sense of achievement. This can come from the smallest of the tasks we perform and enable us to perform hardest of tasks. Sense of achievement brings a sense of fulfilment. We try to bring it from many sources. People working in a office try to get it from the quality of their work, better social and interpersonal skills and timely work. People working in house try to obtain it from cooking, maintaining a discipline of the house, keeping a clean and lively atmosphere at house etc. The level of task being performed does not matter, it is the energy obtained from it is what matters. This is so because this energy feeds into other areas of our lives. How true, for a heart full of locve, love is everywhere. Similarly, for a positive person, life's struggles are defeatable and life is a challenge that can be handled positively. He is surely in possession of a divine energy.

I love this state of my mind....!

Day 51: Faith

One of the videos sent to me by my husband had made me positive for my driving exam and its preparation. After that, coincidentally I have visted many blogs that write one or the other inspirational stories. I am finding life so beautiful, at least worth giving my best shots in my struggles. My faith on God had been increasing and I believe if I call Him, He will always come and stand beside me. This faith itself has given me so must positivity, it is difficult to express.

Actually, I am realizing it is all about perspective in life. How we view one thing is all it matters to make it good or bad. May be our stuggles are meant to take us high and we don't often realize and try to pull the struggles down by giving up. A positive attitude will definitely bring positive results. Yes, I am going to stay positive and am sure, I will achieve all that I want to achieve.

I am not very religious. Though I would like to burn an incense stick, read some holy book everyday but I am too lazy for all this. But I take the God's name everyday and at least believe in him. The video that I saw has left me spellbound with the message that if I open up to God, he will surely open up to me. And this one statement has filled me with positive energy, vigour and enthusiasm to overtake the struggles and battles of life.

I feel good....today!

Day 49:

Today, I finally managed to try my hands on cooking after a long time. This was in my mind from a long time but was escaping unknowingly and today felt nice after making a new dish. I tried Spaghetti with Walnut Sauce. I am sure to make it one more time next month to improve the things I did not do that right today.

I have been realizing cooking also gives me energy. It was not always. May be I cooked something new after some time, so I felt nice. I think everything done with passion and with sincere effort brings out good results which give inner satisfaction and a sense of achievement. This is what happened yesterday.

I also went to Hippodrome beach yesterday and ran for say (less than) 10 minutes. It was very stressing to my body but don’t know why I loved the tension in my back. My legs are still paining. But I think I must do it more often to reduce some fat which I have accumulated in the past months due to overheating. My stress and irritations (or no reason) prompt me to eat every hour. Well, too much! So, I think I will run every week now. Also, I must start my skating. I investigated good amount of money to buy my roller skates and have used them only twice in 2 months, so I must get going on that too.

In the coming months, I will like to start dancing too. I want to be a good and elegant dancer. I think once I am done with the driving stuff, next is my dancing. Just want to do it for myself.

Well, for now lots of stuff on my hands, and I am excited about all of them:

• Skating
• Running
• Cooking something new every two weeks
• Dancing

Day 48:

Life's mistakes never leave you. They will follow you for a long time. I have two options, either to give up or just keep working to move forward putting my feet on them.

It is being very difficult to move forward. My all precious time and all energy is going away in just learning driving things in France. Yes, I am responsible I didn't do in Holland where it was comparatively easy, and today I am being punished for this. Yes, life's mistakes never leaves you. My all energy is being zapped away. At the end of the day I have it on mind, next morning I have to wake up early and study/practice tests etc. Why...life is not simple for me?

There is a constant pressure on me from this world to drive a car. Driving was my passion in India. And here...it is a headache. Because I have to give an exam to obtain my license. The time when I should be giving my energy in charting our my career plan, teaching alphabets and poems to my daughter, I am studying myself. I hate this life, will India be different? I want to run away to my home, to my people, to my comfort zone....will it be better?

Day 47: Introspect....I will try!

The beauty of a person lies in his deeds and thoughts. Actually, the thoughts make his actions, and his actions make his personality. I am by nature a little short tempered and this is one thing I want to erase from my aura. Life is beautiful without anger and irritations. Today, I am remembering the moral science books I learnt in school. They emphasized so much on truths of life. But that time, we kids had no time and no interest in reading those books so morally. Even sometimes I feel, I should have taken the PT exercises in school seriously. Well, time is gone and like an arrow that leaves the bow time can never come back.

Coming back to the anger residing in me, I am thinking to revise my lessons of 'self-introspection'. Each night before going to bed, I would like to replay the actions and circumstances of the entire day, and evaluate myself. I am sure, this is going to help me be a better person in my own eyes. The foremost contribution it will make to me is that it will be provide me inner peace and strenght. The calmness that goodness brings is so blissful that I would like to have more and more of it. I know this by my little experience. When I am hurt by someone's behaviour, words or actions, immediately my mind or my heart wants to take a revenge and there is a feeling 'dikha dunga ("I will show''). I know I can not do anything like hurting somebody knowingly in a preplanned manner, still I want to take revenge. Gradually, the seething hurt and anger makes me sad and, more and more angry. This takes so much of energy which I can use for better things in life. If I am my true self, I need to make no extra effort to think wrong or try to harm somebody. This is me, I don't want to hurt somebody intentionally from the core of my heart. This makes me so calm. So, why not I let go many things which I still don't let go?

Therefore, each night I would take God's name and try to introspect and see what bad I have done that day. I will try my best not to repeat the mistake and also foresee the situations where I can lose my temper.

Day 46: A confession!

Today, coming back to routine stuff....it is so so important. Today is a new start once again...

I have also realized once again like many other times, if I let things drag for today, I am sure I will let them drag tomorrow and day after tomorrow too....today is so important! It is the only day that is in my hands.....do not wait for tomorrow, do it today and you can be a bit sure your tomorrow will be what you want it to be today.

Like the blog thing...I was so determined and tried to keep the momentum....one day I let it go without any post.. I saw other days also like this...I am feeling bad. This was not what I wanted and this was not why I started this. I am back today for ever and from now on I am not going to miss any days (as far it is in my control).

Day 44: France is welcoming me with open arms!

France is beautiful, except the fact only French people live there.

Well, France is welcoming me wonderfully. This place sucks very often (I can also say I should be a better planned person to avoid the roughness of such a place).

• No driving license: be ready to travel in public transport buses, with few/single bus(es) running on popular routes. The bus driver does not stop the bus if bus is full, so you wait for another 15-20/30-35 minutes. If you get in the bus, no place to sit even if you hold a baby in your hand. No body stands up and gives you a place. Literally felt like shouting and abusing today. But luckily or unluckily, didn't know this level of French :-)
• Pre-schools/creches are booked almost 6-8 months ago and your child keeps on struggling with you at home. His learning and socialising skills are affected (invisibly).
• People hardly speak English. Why the hell, India is stressing on English and not sticking to our Hindi? Well, at least with English, I can talk to the people living in South India.
• The driving license exam is all in French. First learn French then give the exam...oh! no...then study and give practice tests in French. Get a consistent score and only then you are allowed to give the final exam.
• Summer is very hot...well in my hometown in India too. But I never got tanned so quickly there....I wish I could post photo of my tanned back... :-)), no sun-screen is working well for me!

This all can also be seen as misplanned actions for me. I could have learnt driving in Holland in 4 years (exam is in English), could have registered for kiddie's creche/preschool 6-8 months back rather than today....could learn better French (not to abuse....well!) and communicate better with people.....(but no time, I am busy learning the driving license book in French, I give no attention to the tenses used, focus only on the message conveyed). Oh! I am missing India so much....

Day 43:

A ray of hope is enough to stir the boat ahead!

Day 42:

I have missing writing more often now. I am getting loose, and my momentum is diminishing every day. I did not write for last 2 days not because I didn't want to write but because I didn't have any thoughts that I could write, well just had mundane things of life-daily work, studying, parenting....there was nothing new that I could contribute new or just repeat. Actually, I didn't want to repeat it to myself. Also, my energy levels are quite down, so thought and relaxed by skipping writing.

I am writing for my own self, so that my thoughts get an outlet, my emotions gets discharged and my brain gets charged up. Life seems in a mess today. I am very sad today though not lonely. Thinking about my own self has become a burden, a task. I don't know how my life boat is going to come on the shores but today I really wished a magic wand which could set everything all right, all dreams fulfilled, all exams passed, all passions explored and the self......known/revealed.

Life is not bad, but sometimes it just seems so mess that cannot be corrected at the moment. If my posts talk about my frustration, my aspirations and my struggles...this is me. When I am happy and feel bliss with my kiddie that is me. I cannot write what I am not. Sometimes, I am afraid I am becoming an open book which I never want. And sometimes, I do not care about these things. This is me, and nobody can harm my thoughts, my hopes and my actions. This is the truth I know and mostly want to believe it. I do not know when mu hopes will turn into reality…may be this is the problem. I do not know! I do not plan! I do not foresee!

I still feel life is good and beautiful but I am sure there are times when everybody needs and wishes a magic wand….

from somewhere...just like that.

"The end comes when we no longer talk with ourselves. It is the end of genuine thinking and the beginning of the final loneliness. The remarkable thing is that the cessation of the inner dialogue marks also the end of our concern with the world around us. It is as if we noted the world and think about it only when we have to report it to ourselves."

Day 39: I Love You!

My heart reach out to you
but I can not!
There is a guilt inside me
when I am happy
and you are not!
How can I enjoy and be normal
when you are not!
How can I not cry when
I can't help you?

Have I accepted I can not
do anything for you,
it is your destiny
and I am mostly out of it?
Have I accepted it life's
battles are fought alone
atleast without you having me?
Should I accept I am being selfish
and engrossed in my beautiful
world?
But then, I have my own struggles
why do I weigh them with yours?
Have I accepted I am big and able
to handle come what may in my life
but
does not hold it true for you?
Should I accept you have to come
out of your struggles on your own,
I can just be here,
may be shed a lil tear
and again be back to where I live
happily, busy with my own
petty struggles?

I know, amidst of all this
words, feelings of selfishness,
distance,
my heart reach out to you
and I can only fold my hands n pray,
God give you immense love
and peace at the end of each day!

I love you.

Day 38: Grass is always greener on the other side!

It is about more than a year and close to some two years, I am at home. I mean to say I am not working, well, I mean to say I am not doing any job. I quit my job at the end of 2008 to be with my daughter who was then some 10 months old. At the time when people were scared to deaths about losing their jobs, I quit my job and sat at home, well, all without a future plan. I never gave it a second thought as my motherly feelings always took the first place. Well, no regrets.

I was happy and content for some months, taking full care of my daughter and seeing her grow little day by day. It is a contentment to see them learn something each day or do something new every day. But gradually, I realized it is being difficult for me to be at home, all alone. In India, I would be happy because I am with the family and friends to talk to, to share myself with. But here, no one actually. Shishir constantly asked me look at things that make me happy and content at the end of the day. He said, yes that is what can be done here. He always want me to be happy. For him, me doing a job may not be a source of happiness. He just wants me to be happy, content and creative. Why do I always feel doing and getting a job is the goal for me? Why can't I gain the sense of achievement from some other source?

After a job, there would be new things-busy schedules, less time for Avni, hundreds of chores to be done in less time and with more planning, fatigue etc. Why the life seems better after crossing the boundary of having a job in the kitty? Well, for now, I say the grass always looks greener on the other side. (But, at the same time, I am hopeful to be organized and active in the times when I have my 'other side').

day 37: Work hard, Party hard

From some months I have started loving the phrase-"work hard and party hard". Rather, I must say I have understood the meaning of this phrase now at this point of my life. I have understood that after hard work every small moment is a party and calls for a right to relaxation. Here, the party does not mean loud music, dance or dinner at a restaurant. It can simply point to pampering oneself. The pampering can be a simple long tub bath, eating sweet pastries for a day without feeling guilty, humming a tune of your favourite song, doing nothing in the whole day and still be content at the end of the day.

Life sometimes seem to me that it is running. France is a country to enjoy outdoor activities. I think, I must say, South of France. More Sun, sea, mountains all make it a beautiful place offering so much to enjoy and relax. Each weekend is full of menu items like shopping, dinners, beach fun, swimming, etc. But at the same time, I feel how my life can be fast. I am at home, alone, taking care of the baby, learning French for the French driving exam (frustating!!!), I miss my friends from college and hanging out with them.....yuck..life is slow. The driving thing is taking long, unable to find a creche/preschool for the daughter...how are the things being ticked in the life? No,life is slow, it is just I am running to make it a little faster. And, yes it leaves me exhausted. But I am hopeful with each new Sun, though by the Moon falls and the stars twinkle, all the energy has vanished with the day's mundane and tough tasks. Each new day has a plan and I start walking like on a chess board, trying to play my pawns against some devils like laziness and frustation, and gaining the queen of momentum. Each Sun rise I promise myself a better day than the previous one. I am happy I am not giving up (though I feel sometimes, this driving thing (in particular) will drive me insane). I love PB Shelly's words:

Rise like lions after slumber
In unvanquishable number-
Shake your chains to earth like dew
Which in sleep had fallen on you-
Ye are many- they are few.'

And after I rise like a lion each day, work hard, think hard, fight hard, I am sure one day I can party hard (without any guilt, without any worry to achieve a pending goal).