Day 1: This is me! Vs. I can't or don't want to be this.

I don't know why I am starting my project 365 with this topic. But it is not about writing only the goodie things, it is about writing honesty and expression. That's the path I have to tread on and find myself.

I do not understand myself when I say 'This is me!'. Is it an attitude statement or a mark of sttuborness or acceptance of defeat?. Or is it an acknowledgement of my strengths and weaknesses and therefore I want to close the doors of further hardwork & growth. What is it for me?

During varied discussions with my family n friends, I often repeat 'this is me!'. When I sit to analyze why it is so often said by me, I think I am trying to put my point loud by showing anger/irritation/other such feelings. But it is in no way an attitude statement (Do I have an attitude?.....I think I will come back on this some day, for sure).

In today's world, we all live in a constantly changing environment. We move on, our friends move on, even our immediate family moves on. This movement is more often intellectual/mental/emotional and as a result we keep changing, our behaviour keeps changing. With time, we are surrounded by different people. These people will most of the times differ from what we are. In such situations, I think I tend to get very careful. Well, 'careful' is not the right word, I mean to say I start looking inside like a snail puts his neck inside his shell. I become quiet and I am not that outgoing type and do not connect (Connection....I would like to talk to myself about this, in one of these days)with new people easily. It is due to these different personalities around me, I ask myself 'am I fit here'? But how many times one should ask this question in his/her life? This is because atleast once in lifetime, he/she would be surrounded by new group/people which would make him/her look inside him/her and ask this question.

This fitness issue makes waves in my minds much more times than I actually think or know. I look around to all people-known and unknown and I ask myself how do I present myself/how do I behave? Is it according to the mode here or I appear foreigner? In short, do I fit in here? For the unknown ones, my mind may stop exploding but for the known ones- the questions, the anaylsis goes on and on. After so much self-brainstorming or I should say, after so many thunderous bombarding, when I say to myself, "no, I do not want to be this or I can not be like this, it is just not in my value system/or it's just not the part of my personality"....is it the mark of appreciating my individuality or a mark of going inside my shell (when this is seen as an excuse).

It is funny and may be interesting too, that while writing (or well, also while speaking sometimes) a person may find himself confused. Exactly, to achieve this clarity of my own thoughts and make my own opinions (based on these convictions), I have started this project 365.

When I say "this is me", it is attitude or confidence?
When I say "I do not want to be this or I can not be like this", is it not the other way of saying the former? It is confidence or the lack of confidence or again a sign of stuborn attitude?

I think in many more days of expressions, I would be able to understand where lies my attitude and where lies my confidence. Right now I am happy and very much glowing with hope about my life because I acknowledge or at least aware of the fact that-

"Happiness is that which is ever lasting, which depends on no external factor, which is one's own possession, which is unvarying and which constitutes one's very self. That alone is real happiness." (Hanumanprasad Poddar in 'Beyond the Veil' )

Project 365

Recently I happened to see Julie & Julia. The story of two ladies: one is a young lady, passionate about cooking and the other one, a renowned cook and famous personality. The former one starts a project 365 where she tries one recipe each day of the year and hopes she meets the latter at the end of her project when she has improved and made many many recipes of the latter.

This project has inspired me to do something I lost long back on my journey of being a student after marriage, then a mother and for n number of reasons all of which seem trivial and irrelevant if just I had the tenacity to chase my passion-my writing, my words, my poetry.

This project is aimed at myself for finding my passion once again and start living life as I used to live it-creatively, confidently, cheerfully, and above all, BEING MYSELF. This is a promise to myself to be honest and write from heart each day, bringing out all that's store inside and may be caged/shivering to come out.

My Day 1 starts today-26th April 2010, Monday. In French- le 26 Avril, 2010, lundi.

Dance!!!!

Dance truly is the best of arts....no doubt it delights Gods and Godesses....I am just a human.

It makes me happy, it bring a big smile on my face...and it gives me a DREAM....one day I will be dancing with my soul, not just my hands and toes, but with my entire self. It will be amazing achievement of mine...can't wait to take my first step towards it....

Identity...

We only live once and therefore ought to live it fully.

My mind is running after so many things (well, it is a different thing whether I am running or not)-cooking, presenting, poetry, blogging, dancing, being social & friendly, being prompt and punctual, being a good mother, being a good self, learning language, being a good housekeeper, being an early riser....

I don't know how many of the above things I will accomplish but at least I think I am on the right track of not losing hope (after being at home for almost a year now & getting frustated often)and keeping the struggle going to achieve something substantial in my life. And be 'something'

My fingers are crossed tightly!

White, Green, Black!

It has been raining for last 2 days and full night too. I have been witnsessing such relentless rainfall after quite some years. In Holland it didn't rain such heavily.

I was waiting for the Sun to come and spread it's golden rays and lit up the mountains overlooking our house. It looks enchanting and serene at the same time. Today morning when I woke up I went to the balcony to see what's the weather. I can see the droplets of rainfall on the iron-gate for our house, the water can be felt on the grass that sort of blackened due to excess water, the rainfall also had it's influence on the leaves and they still contained the remains....but the most astonishing and beautiful was the mountains. They looked so green, fresh green. And I saw something that I saw never before. The light Sun lit up the mountains, and the clouds were so close to them that the Sun casted their shadows on the mountains. It was so beautiful, I never saw the shadows of clouds on mountains. Ah...white clouds, green mountains and the black shadows...it is one of the amazing wonders of nature that I have ever seen.

Zindagi...

Duniya jise kehta hai jaadoo ka khilona hai
Mil jaye to mitti hai kho jaye to sona hai....

Absolute joy!

Ya, ya, I am again writing about my angel, my daughter. As I already wrote in one of my posts, it is amazing to see a child grow. To be precise, to see a baby grow :-)

My angel is a storehouse of energy. She is always so so active, can't believe it! She is never interested in getting her tummy full and her little head is always thinking of some mischief or is getting curious about something.

When I see her taking little steps, I remember how she used to kick :-)....we were so curious to go to the ultrasounds. We were curious to see her growing and figuring out her nose, her elbows, her hands, her feet...Oh my God, we were so curious.

Back home in India, everybody says that may be when I was expecting I was also very active and not taking enough rest, and that's why my angel is also ever playful n energetic...funny!!! Sometimes I think does these things matter...

Anyways, it is really bliss to have a child and see it grow, learning one small thing everyday, making you love it more n more each second.


It's an absolute joy to have you, my angel. God bless you always :-)