Confusion....

I want to write today. I don't know what this writing means or the blog is supposed to be. I like this headlines from my colleagues's blog (and find it so apt....but would I that be honest on my blog):

I write anything that comes to mind. A blog is not about truth or lies or opinions. It is about what happens to sound good the moment I type it.

Yes, I want to sound good...to me! I am confused right now. Morning, afternoon life sounds good, looks good. Post-afternoon is it the same? Is it the life or the mind that creates the confusion....I want to analyse, I want to live and not just exist.

Sometimes I think I love being in France. I have been working now and I have been in the field I wanted to be from say around 2 years. I am in finally. I am in a good company/industry. I have met some people I like and some of them have been good friends for some while. Friends, well not like the ones I always dreamt of (but hey, at 30, I can't keep my childhood friends and memories and expect new people to be like the friend of my first grade in school...everybody grows up and I must too grow up :-) ). Well, honestly I am happy with the people I have met, and I realize I can still connect. I remember when I started my Project 365 for blogging, I wrote in a post about Connection and my inability to connect. I was so wrong about myself. I still can connect. No body can actually understand the phase I was in when I told to myself I am not interested in people, I am in my own shell and I will grow. Ofcourse I grew, but a bit inside my own shell....now when I have been meeting/interacting people, I can see I need them (well, I always needed friends, I will never deny that) and I feel so confident I am capable of meeting and taking my relationship to a certain level with some people I can call friends. Ofcourse in due course of time I have learnt to take more responsibilites for these contacts and I try to involve myself or keep myself in the loop without losing the touch.

This is my own status to myself for my 'connection and the will to connect' to people and I am very happy about it. I really want to thank God for opening his arms to me and rewarding me some nice people around me. I needed it!

Heart is a greedy entity...entity/creature/thing...whatever...it is greedy. I want perfection at all levels and most of the times without putting effort 200%. I will be honest, high hopes/ambitions/wishes can take their beauty on their own, they need to be nurtured with constant care and the will to work for them. Ya, I am noticing I am talking a lot about this 'will' thing, but hey it is so important....I think every good (not only great) thing happens with a will to make it happen. I know I am not giving my 100% things to a lot of things I need to do/should do/must do....but there are things which even don't turn up as they should and then I blame circumstances/present conditions. For instance, my European driving license....is been a big pain now...! I blame France...why the hell I am here...I have my Indian license and I can drive & make my life easy on this aspect by living in India...what I am doing here and why I am torturing myself and my family...

When I think this, I think a lot of other things, going in recap in my mind. Can I write them all here...no! I am not that honest and open in my real life too...this is a blog. Ofcourse I write it to express myself but I am sometimes (!...or most of the times) running away from the realities of life....the hard & practical ones, and can't accept them here or sometimes in my dreams too. Probably, I must work on this but not taking it harsh on me.

Recently, I think I have been quite harsh on me (this is contradictory as I hide a lot of things that require urgent attention from my ownself and then close my mind/eyes on them...how can I say I am being harsh!!!!!), well....I am confused. But I am getting sure of one thing in my life...I need to charge of it. I need to plan it. If I hate somebody telling me what should I do with my life, I must immediately get up and do something about it. Freedom is one word that cna define me. But freedom does not come with being reckless and irresponsible. Am I being reckless or irresponsible? I am too harsh and less affirmative of myself. If I fail somewhere or do not act with urgency/promptness on something why do I have to question my entire existence for that? It is life, I wil fail often but I do not need to fail myself and give a bad score to my good self, because I know I am good..I dont hurt people, I try to help everybody, I am honest, I try to be good to all my basic relationships....is there anything else I need to feel good about! I must change this...well I know I need to take certain things more responsibly but important at this moment of time is to be free with authority and firmness about my own personality. One of the friends on facebook wrote this statement and I love it this very moment (well always):


No body can hurt me without my permission.

How true, our life is what we make of it. If I work hard, fulfill my responsibilities, manage all my tasks in the way they should be...who is gonna hurt me. Its the self who pinches you the most, if I am responsible, not losing my enthusiasm for my life and its responsibilities, there is hardly anyone ever who can say a word or point a finger.

I have promised myself I am not going to have any new year resolutions....but hey I always break the promises...I want to resolve I am going to be more responsible and take things head on instead of running away from them. I am sure in this way I am gonna be strong from within :-)...

-With fingers crossed, I want to wish you all a beautiful Christmas and a very lovely new year ahead.

'Poem' by Gulzar

A poem
entangled in my chest,
lines
fastened on my lips,
words
like butterflies
won't sit still on paper.

I sit
for so long
with your name
on this blank paper.

Your name
just your name exists;
could there be
a better poem?

-Poems of Gulzar translated by Rina Singh in 'Silences'

For Love

Yesterday I wanted to

speak of it, that sense above   

the others to me

important because all

that I know derives

from what it teaches me.   

Today, what is it that   

is finally so helpless,

different, despairs of its own   

statement, wants to

turn away, endlessly

to turn away.

If the moon did not ...

no, if you did not

I wouldn’t either, but   

what would I not

do, what prevention, what   

thing so quickly stopped.   

That is love yesterday   

or tomorrow, not

now. Can I eat

what you give me. I

have not earned it. Must   

I think of everything

as earned. Now love also   

becomes a reward so

remote from me I have

only made it with my mind.

Here is tedium,

despair, a painful

sense of isolation and   

whimsical if pompous

self-regard. But that image   

is only of the mind’s

vague structure, vague to me   

because it is my own.

Love, what do I think

to say. I cannot say it.

What have you become to ask,   

what have I made you into,

companion, good company,   

crossed legs with skirt, or   

soft body under

the bones of the bed.

Nothing says anything   

but that which it wishes   

would come true, fears   

what else might happen in

some other place, some   

other time not this one.   

A voice in my place, an   

echo of that only in yours.

Let me stumble into

not the confession but   

the obsession I begin with   

now. For you

also (also)

some time beyond place, or   

place beyond time, no   

mind left to

say anything at all,

that face gone, now.

Into the company of love   

it all returns.

Robert Creeley, “For Love” for Bobbie from Selected Poems of Robert Creeley.

Heart, head, life, science....beautiful it is!

Life is beautiful
seems like flowers raining on me
with their fragrance, with all their beauty.
I hear music all around me
just like it's playing only for me...
Life is beautiful.

Coming out from the life in house has unexpected impact on me. I used to think I dont want to connect to people, it is wrong. Like any other person in this world, I need a choice. When I do not have enough choice I am shut, my mind and my heart are in their own world.

Working again has a different effect, I am learning about myself. I like to talk to people, know about them but I have my own perceptions (like I think everybody else)....and I like to know about people gradually. I want to connect to them on my pace. It is strange....it is a process. Life is science or science is life !!!!!!

Everything takes time.....I need time before I rush to make friends, understand the environment. I also relate this to loss of innocence. Some years ago, I must say 10 long years ago (oh..I sound old....well, i think I dont look that old...), I would be all smiling and charming when I met somebody new. I didnt analyse, just flew with the flow.....and now the flow has many ifs and buts, many eyes and many ears.....loss of innocence.....life is this. But it is beautiful.

I also find it difficult to decide.....follow my heart or head. If I like something or hate something, I think twice. Whether it is my perception or my heart is wearing glasses! Why is it not so simple just to trust somebody or something and go with the flow....why you have to struggle withing your own thoughts. Why my head says, 'no, no don't believe this/that, it may be wrong dear. It may be a perception'. Why my heart wants to jump out and capture the innocence letting out of my head....Why is life not that simple now!!!!????

N'importe, life is beautiful and I am enjoying it. God bless and touchwood... :-)

What can I do with you my life?

What can I do with you my life?
love you, hate you, be happy with you, care for you.
be confused with your being, misunderstand you, understand you,
like you, dislike you, want to live with you, want to run away from you.

आज यह क्या हुआ,
मेरी समझ से परे हुआ जो हुआ.
आज जीवन का यह स्पर्श 
अच्छा नहीं लगा मुझे, जैसे एक सिहरन सी काप उठी मेरी आत्मा मे.
मैंने दिल से सोचा और हार गयी मै
फिर सोचा इतनी जल्दी 
या फिर इतनी देर से हारी मै.

क्या मै समझती हू तुम्हे
या नहीं,
क्या तुम जानते हो मुझे या नहीं
आज कुछ रिश्ता अधूरा सा लगा मुझे.

आज मन में तृष्णा , आक्रोश 
सब भर गया ..
और मै हार गयी.
खुद से या तुमसे
यह नहीं समझ पाई मै.

क्या तुम जुड़े हो मुझसे
या मै ही नहीं जुड़ पाई
यह सवालो के जवाब नहीं 
दे पाई मै खुद को
और हार गयी मै खुद से
या शायद तुमसे.

शब्द तो बहुत है
लेकिन कागज़ नहीं कोई,
तस्वीर तो है
लेकिन रंग नहीं मेरे पास
ना ही आकाश रंग डालने के लिए,
फिर लगता है
आकाश नहीं जमीन ही काफी है
रंगों के लिए.

मिल जाये या पहचान पाऊ तो जमीन ही रंग दू
अगर आकाश का इन्तेजार बेमानी है.

आज मन उलझा है
सोच रही हू कल क्या पाउंगी मै
क्या सूरज देगा मुझे साफ्गोशी?
क्या डालेगा रौशनी मेरी सीरत पर?
क्या देख पाऊँगी मै क्या सही क्या गलत?

कल का इन्तेजार नहीं करना आता मुझे
आज ही सोच लुंगी कल का मेरा कर्म
शान्ति, सादगी, कर्म से भरू खुदको
और बस छोड़ दू सब तुम पर, मेरे कान्हा
ध्यान रखो मेरा और 
दिखाऊ मुझे मेरा रास्ता!

A small coming back...

Its almost a month I am not active on my blog. It was Project 365...somehow I dropped it. I became busy/lazy...no, the most was the writer's block I faced each day while I sat to write. I realized by this attempt of Project 365 that I am not a forced writer. I am impulsive and emotional. My words are my anchor when my ship starts shaking in the trubulence of life. I am not someone who can think and write. I always feel and write. But I am so hooked to writing at the same time that the thought and action of leaving my Project 365 gives me a guilt that I started something and I didn't complete it. Moreover, writing gave me joy and confidence. The day 1 when I started and now has made me a different person. My blog is my friend who always exists to listen to me and make me think about myself. It is difficult to be away from it. But at the same time, I can not and do not want to kill my spontaniety. In this spontaneousness nature lies my creativity. I am coming back with this small post...I am not sure if I will write everyday but I am here. My words will keep flowing on the blog and drench me with satisfaction and confidence. :-)

Day 82: Spiritual reality

I have yet to start my spiritual journey. Before I begin, I need to understand what it is. What is spiritualism? What are its goal for mankind? What goals it has for me?

I am so curious about all these words are so common, seems like people are running after them to get peace of mind and happiness in their lives. Are these words really magical? Is the process behind them so fruitful? My mind is so intrigued by words like vipsyana, reiki, Art of Living, RajYoga. Some 10 years ago I did basic course of Reiki and Art of Living. I think then I was too young to understand them. I must say life was full of enthusiasm, ambitions and passions for ambitions. Therefore, these words were not what I was looking for. May be when I go through the meaning of these words today, they will be more important and understandable to me. Life is still full of ambitions but the weight of responsibilites (to oneself and to others) put a person's vigour down. I want to read extensively about these processes and also do them practically. I think I will come back with more posts about them after reading about them.

Today I saw a DVD about Spiritual reality(given to me by my mom. This is the 3rd copy she has given me in these years as somehow I always kept losing them).  The DVD is the best I have seen till now on this topic. I liked the serenity and peacefulness in it. It is all animated and not some man/woman guru kind of person performing and delivering their lectures. Well, I am not against them. I often listen to many of them. But somehow, I liked and got hooked to the DVD because of its serenity. The DVD talks about cosmic energy, how we need more and more of it to solve our problems and how it helps us attain peace and happiness in out day to day grindings. It talks about meditation, thr right way to do it, the third eye, the listening to the usually unheard and unobvious sounds etc. It is all so temoting for me to dive deep into this process and see for myself if I can see the constant light before my eyes and my mind is all peace (devoid of any thoughts?). I understand it does not come with one session of meditation, but may need numerous (which I can not quantify now), I am curious and want to start with it as soon as possible. Tomorrow is my first day to start the meditation. I am definitely going to write about it tomorrow.

I want to understand these various processes which I mentyioned above and see why people are running after them. Sometimes I wonder do people who claim to have attained peace and seen the 'light' have really experienced it? Is there something actually called as spiritual reality exists? I want to know and experience it so much. If you have experienced it and know anything about it, don't hesitate to share through comments.