Day 12: Is life all about....

Is life always about improvements?
Is life always about acceptance
and change,
and again change and
acceptance?
Is life always about struggle
and weighing its results,
how far I made and
how far you went?
Is life always about my anger
and the desperation to
move forward?
Is life always about
graphing the slope and see
how better I performed?
Is life always about
moving n moving?

May be today when I write these lines, I am questioning the destiny of my life. My heart and head is filled with anguish, anger and perhaps, suffocation too. Why this is so when I know I am not moving enough to answer all my questions that my head asks my heart and the ones that my heart keeps on asking my head? Why....life is full of so many questions ....and I have to find the answers. The irony is, life is moving so slow and my patience is running out. I wish, I could make my life run....

Day 11: Let me wander today....

Wow....having a cup of ginger tea while I am writing this post. Good combination....self expression and my favourite drink....

It had been a bad day. It has been raining in France for last 3-4 days and we are caged inside. Today, however the Sun didn't show it's face but at least the rain ceased and so I decided to be out as soon as possible. Me and Avni packed our stuff to go to Antibes and enjoy the square & even the icecream in somewhat cold weather. I also visualized us sitting in the toy train that goes from Antibes to Juan Les Pins, in 40 minutes. It should be so much fun. Well, but the day for us was already decided and we waited for the bus for 40 minutes, it didn't arrive instead sent a few showers of rain forcing us to go back home and feel bad & cranky.

All this brought a bad feeling and at home I just laid down myself on the couch watching Indian Idol. But the music there also didn't bring peace to my inner hullabaluu. I thought....oh God! why I don't have my driving license....and the regret of not obtaining it in Holland etc. all came to my mind. I was more sad now. Just then, my heart sang a poem which is exactly the theme of this post:

Let me wander today,
all alone,
in the green fields,
blooming flowers,
smelling lavanders,
humming a tune.

Let me wander today,
not aimlessly
but mind full of thoughts
reflecting direction of life,
guiding me each step
one by one
to that one goal
I am looking for.

Let me wander today,
away from all the obligations,
from all routine chores,
free to do something new
just on my own
all alone.

Let me wander today,
to search for a reason
for my existence
for my thoughts,
and for my battle
with myself
and this world.

Yes, let me wander today
all alone
and when I come back,
there is a smile on my face
hope in my heart
and a fire in my mind!!!

I don't know what wandering I am referring to in these words but it is something I am longing for. Perhaps, longing to be something and somebody.

Day 10: Opening up

Is opening up oneself before others okay?

Whole day I kept on thinking about this. 'Opening up' essentially means that a part of inner you is reflected in your words and actions. The consequences of opening up can be said as the two sides of a coin. It lets others peep inside you and therefore, you make them free to decide an opinion about you based on the real information provided by you about your own self. Secondly, it makes others open up themselves with you, and it brings an air of ease in the commnucation.


More...in a few hours.

Day 9: Connection

A man is a social animal. He needs to live in a group. He needs to interact/communicate/express/talk to be alive. In other words, he needs to connect with the outer world.

Recently, I have noticed I am getting into my shell. After moving to a new place, it is being difficult for me to open-up. Well, I must say this is not due to the moving. When I go back to India to visit the families and friends, I am not myself. I am lost in my own world, and to my surprise I don't know what this world comprises of. I am silent but not that silent that someone notices I am being different. But, I know I am not me. Most of the times, I do not have anything to talk to. I am not that out-going but at the same time I am not reserved too. This is a gradual change, I must say which is eating me gradually. It is not an overnight thing. I am sure I must do something about it.

The problem I see is connection. It is so important to connect. This is readily seen in the presence of so many social and professional networking sites. More and more people are joining them everyday with varied thoughts in their mind, may be to find old friends or to make new, to find a new job or just inform others about their status/skills/whereabouts etc. In some or the other form, everybody is trying to catch the 'connect train'. I am also there on some of these sites, but for me is it real connection? Some of my friends and people I know, are benefiting from them very much, but I miss something.

I realize for me 'the surface things' do not matter. There has to be something deep inside. But at the same time I must realize that basically the connection starts from the surface and then goes to the depth. And during this process, there has to be an effort, consistent effort. More than that, I think there must be a will to connect. Is it that I have the lost the will to connect? I think, no it's not that. May be I have become too particular and I am stuck to the image of my old good friends/places/interests. Life is a box of choclates and one never knows which flavour he gets. I must understand the characteristics and the goodness of each flavour and enjoy it than relishing dormantly on the old flavours. Life never proceeds backwards, it moves forwards and so must I.

There are so many books written on how to connect- both personally and professionally. I think in the coming days, I have my hands full with one more goal, to understand how I can be a good communicator. How can I develop interest in other people than remaining in my own shell and seeing the world from there? I am sure to pen some more posts on this topic because I have to learn so much and while I take this learning experience I am bound to write my mind out.

Day 8: Life is made of small things...

Yes, life is a made of small things that are capable of giving big happiness. It is just a matter of realizing what these small things are and how you can achieve them.

Last year, my husband showed me a movie-'Bucket list'* . It is about two people who are ill and their lives coming to an end decide to make a list of the things they want to do before they die. The movie appealed to me and I thought one day I would make my bucket list. It is more than a year and my list is yet not ready. Today, I think the time has come and I feel passionate inside to make it. While thinking of all the possible things, I realize I do not want big things or big money in life but still these things may give me so much happiness. I think one's bucket list will always be incomplete till the time he is dying. Everyday with one or more realizations and experiences, there can be an addition to this list. My list for now goes like this:

• Take up the job I want. I think my list should start with acquiring the understanding of what kind of job I want to do.
• Learn one Indian classical dance and join a group/troop for some years.
• Take up the Masters of Arts in English Literature.
• Buy myself a 'red' Santro car.
• Be a terrificly confident car-driver.
• Read 'Ramayana' and learn most of the 'chaupayee' by heart.
• Learn a lot of bhajans and to be able to sing them beautifully with 'ras'.
  
• Buy myself a diamond ring.
• Learn skating and be able to skate confidently & beautifully on the Hippodrome Cote d'azur beach.
• Be a professor.
  

While I am writing (and feeling) this list, why I am thinking what is possible and what is not, today? If I have a wish, I should just see what I require to fulfill it and not analyze it now whether I would achieve it or not. That's what the whole point is. The bucket list enables us to see what we aim and wish in our lives, and when we achieve them we are sure to get some happiness. It equips us with some enthusiasm and determination to make something of ourselves, to make the life as we want it to be and not the other way round. For example, if I wish to climb the Mount Everest, I should think the possible ways to achieve it, starting from acquiring a good stamina.

Right now itself, I feel there is so much I want to do in my life that there is no single minute to waste. I can probably feel the happiness I will feel when I will tick out the things as done from this list. I will keep coming to this post if things are ticked out or there is more to add....

*http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0825232/

Day 7: Discipline- so important yet so difficult

I am realising it from so many many days and everyday so many times that life is all about discipline. It is a never ending process of growing and improving one self. Well, the wish to grow and improve should come from inside, but once it is there it is always there-dormant or active. Therefore, if the momentum, about which I talked about in my last post, is lost, I believe the wish, the craving to get it back still lies deep, most of the times may be sleeping somewhere sound.

If I have to grow, I must wake up my momentum in such a way that it keeps things rolling for me. All this has one key, that is discipline. One has to constantly keep on enforcing himself to do what needs or what must be done to improve, to grow and to feel what a meaningful life is. Yes, discipline lets an individual find the meaning of his life. Discipline makes available abundant amount of time to chart out one's life's plan. It gives so much time to introspect and look inside for strengths and weaknesses.

Nowadays, I am in constant search for discipline for myself. Everyday I spend it unlike the last day in order to achieve something better (even if it is efficiency) at the end of the day. I am determined to reach a point in my life where I can say, "yes, my life is in my control". I think for me, my discipline starts from disciplining my body. A man is often the slave of his senses. The more he surrenders, the more he is asked to surrender. Fat people go on getting fat because they can't control their temptations. A thief hardly stops stealing because he is so much into it. His mind is so much into it. A healthy mind is mostly the outcome of a healthy body. I need to be the master of my body, and not the other way round. It is so difficult. I think the people who have a strict diet or exercise regime would agree with me. Initially it is so difficult to get into that regime, each day, bringing oneself to do some yoga, exercise, eat healthy....all is so hard because I liked the words of my mother- "Aaj kaaya ko jitna kasht doge, utna hi tumhe voh aage sukh degi. Aur jitna aaj sukh doge, utna hi kasht kal milega". How true, but I am waiting....for a good day, when I will ample time to look after my body and my senses, when I won't have any responsibilities to take my time etc.....but dear, such a day will never come. When I know all, why don't I execute?????? I think, I will try again like an ant climbing the wall, and would definitely come back with a post saying 'yes I am succeeding!, yes I achieved it'.

I think, taking control of the body will enable a person to take control of his mind that's going to shape his life further. And that's what is the ultimate purpose of life, to live in a meaningful way.Success, growth, improvement, satisfaction and happiness all comes from a peaceful meaningful life, which is always a result of discipline.

My Puzzle

I have always believed and also felt, life is a challenge that keeps on challenging. The end of one struggle is often marked by the beginning of another. The struggle is intensified in absence of a goal, a dream that can be chased, a vision of yourself and a determination to run after something.

Where my struggle lies, is the question before me. Is it the goal or the determination? If I have the goal, where is the determination and if I have the determination, why is not there any goal?

There is a vision for my self which I would like to achieve but where is the tenacity to make that happen? What is that, that is stopping me to move, to work, to work hard and be something that I dream for myself? What is it that stops me from regaining myself what I was a few years back? Things do drift in life (once allowed to drift) and ofcourse with each passing day they become yet more difficult to get back in their natal form. But, the determination, the passion to chase and above all, the goal, the most important, can get things right in , and the drifted things to drift further.

Like the ant who makes numerous efforts to climb the wall, like the bird who makes its nest straw by straw, human life has to be no different owing to the fact they have much more potential in store. Still, the human life takes inspirations from these tiny yet wonderful creatures of God. Why I am not that ant and not that bird? That's the first question I need the answer of.

Life is like a puzzle for me nowadays. Well, I don't know if puzzle is the right word. For each jumbled up piece, I need an answer. After I have all the answers, hopefully my dream comes true and I will be free from my own guilts, complexes and inhibitions, because I dreamt, I thought, I worked and I achieved. The second question is do I have a plan to reach to the stars and the Moon I dream of. So, my next task is to make a detailed plan keeping in perspective the outcomes I want from it. One substep being making deadlines and toiling to attain them.

The third question and a probable diificult answer is to keep the things rolling. It is so critical and therefore so difficult. It requires all the hard work to stop oneself from falling in the trap of laziness and procrastination (after achieving a few results). Momentum, as in physics keep things in motion, same in life it is required to keep the results in place by moving the mind constantly towards persistence and hard work. My past experiences have made me sure of this one fact, momentum is so so important. It just can't be ignored or underestimated. The absence of it will mar any past success and just, the presence of it will make you do wonders, some of whom may be unthought too. Wow, I would like to be in that state....should be amazing !!!!

If I summarize the solution to solve my puzzle it would be decide on a goal or a dream (though dreams are always seen by heart and not decided upon by the mind...well, sometimes it can be different too!), make a plan and work for it keeping deadlines and an ant attitude. And keep the momentum, just never lose it. The presence of the word 'never' itself makes it so easy to lose it.

In this entire process, the fear of failure, the need to justify/defend and the state of doubt will always make the journey slow and ineffective. I have to be convinced about my dreams and the path that I chose to win them. Come what may, I am not going to move and I am not going to fall. Yes, I am going to be the ant, just once in my life and then would keep things rolling.

I am sure, that is what I can call 'life'.