When A Note Ends A Marriage!

The pressure on young women to get married – never end a marriage – has dire consequences for some marriages, and lives.

Hailing from a country which heavily breathes on mostly one relationship between men and women, i.e. the fatal attraction, it is not uncommon to find parents searching for an appropriate life partner for their daughter. The times have still not changed in most parts of India, where, as a girl turns 18-23, the pressure gets more and more intense for her to be wed.

No doubt, the metros see a sea change with increasing number of live-in relationships but it’s a fact that this number is not huge. Many a girl is raised with the thought that she have to beautify someone else’s life, primarily her future husband’s. How often are parents seen teaching their girls about their own happiness, about their own peace, let alone the comfort of having sex as per their wishes and agreement?

Next, the wedding is a huge affair. Pomp and show, give and take, the forms of ostentation are numerous. Less are the objections to this style of wedding, and more the cases where the money spent sweeps the floor under the bride’s family. Parents save all their life to have a great wedding for their daughter. Mothers often are seen collecting gold, little by little for their girls. The bride’s dress, the jewelry, the beauty, the sanskaar (values) have to be impeccable but who questions the bridegroom! Just the fact he is a boy spares him of all the horror of evaluation and embarrassment.

Once happily wed, what is the proportion of ‘happily ever after’? How happy a girl now the daughter-in-law is, is measured by her husband’s love for her, the degree of comfort she finds in her new home. But, it is not hard to find as well as not much easier to believe, that a girl raised to be a future daughter-in-law can have her own personality.

How often does she feels betrayed by just the upbringing, the norms of society, the laws of the world, God’s categorization of man and woman….but whom can she question? One day, she just quits or exits the worldly affairs with a note full of questions and the ink reeks of the stench of the life she lived!

Just a note

Do I belong in your arms

Or in the solace of my being?

Hard to answer

Easy at first it may seem.

Outside the window

the trees stand naked

I wonder if they knew

the green is going to betray them?

Life’s a jungle

Dense, dark and cold

You don’t stand unique

For life to rain dark clouds on.

I wonder every now and then,

If I ask a valid question?

Harsh to predict

How innocuous that may look,

In the lines of her hand

She scratches a name

I wonder if she knew

If the henna colours-on or the future bleeds?

Where do I belong?

Immaterial, trivial, senseless-

A question it may seem

To a whole lot,

‘Cos they often think

Etched in the numerous moments

Your name and my being

Aren’t they one?

Endless trials to find

The answer

Yet standing empty-handed

With a heart hollow of love

I decide to take matters

In my custody and

I quit!

*This post was originally published at Women's Web: http://www.womensweb.in/2014/05/end-a-marriage/

You are not your skin-color!

Black Dolls, White Dolls : Every Doll Is Beautiful

We often confine beauty to outer appearances, especially complexion. Here is one of my post originally published on Women's Web, that talks about why each one of us is beautiful in our own way, and we must love ourselves!

Last week, when I went to buy a doll for my daughter, one thing that caught my attention was that all the dolls were fair skinned! It left me with a question that has haunted me numerous times. What is it with the colour of the skin that overpowers one’s heart like gold or conscience as clear as water? Why this bias in our society that lets us knowingly or subconsciously make a judgement or opinion about a person with dark skin-tone?

The desire to have a ‘gori bahu’ (fair-skinned daughter-in-law) is not uncommon. How many times have we heard in our families “you know, Malati (XYZ) is so beautiful, she is fair” ? How many times have we found ourselves appreciating someone’s beauty just because of their fair skin colour? We are all a part of this system, the scale does not matter. 

How many times have we found ourselves appreciating someone's beauty just because of their fair skin colour?

 Then there comes the media! Media – isn’t it supposed to be the mirror of society and at the same time, aid in enlightening the community about its evils and fallacies? Look at our age-old and famous Fair and Lovely cream. It is the leading skin-whitening cream for women in India. Back in 2007, its television advertisements were stopped owing to their propagating the message “white is beautiful”.

Before the ads were stopped, how many innocent hearts were influenced? How many dreams to become fairer and more successful, shattered? Can we give a thought – why did this happen and is this over now? The reasons are simple – our beliefs, thought-process, peer-pressure, inferiority complex and many similar ones. Just imagine, how pathetic and heart-wrenching  would it feel to be uncomfortable in your skin!

How pathetic and heart-wrenching would it feel to be uncomfortable in your skin!

One of the most surprising facts I learnt living outside India, now for almost 10 years, is that black is not always beautiful everywhere. Yes, you read it right!

Clark couple (Kenneth Clark and Mamie Clark) were psychologists of African-American origin. They are famous for their “Dolls experiment”. This was conducted in the 1940s to study how black children felt about their race, esp. their colour. They started with two white and two brown dolls. Children were asked questions like which is a doll they would like to play with/a doll which is nice/which is a bad doll.

It was found that a majority of children rejected the dark (black or brown) doll. When they were asked which was a doll that was like them, the children chose the rejected dolls. Some didn’t answer or just left the room. How traumatic! Such low self-esteem in children; where will it take them? Will they ever be able to get out of this thought-process?

Today, we are dealing with inhumane behaviour towards girls. There are no answers about safety. We have to start changing our attitude towards a lot of things – be it physical strength of women or their mental power. We have to start with self-love.

Love thyself. These are a few points which we, as women, cannot miss:

• You are not your skin colour or the fat you have on your skeleton! You are not born for the body. The body is the chariot and your soul, the charioteer. Be guided to success and happiness.
• Accept yourself for what you are and what you can achieve with your hard-work, knowledge, and passion.
• Charity begins at home and change starts with self. Do not wait till society changes its perception about you. Question- do you like yourself? If not, why? What is it that you have yet to achieve that will make you feel confident? Who stops you? Break the shackles of your mind and liberate yourself !
• Do not copy. God made you original, why to try to be like someone else?
• Be kind and peaceful. These are virtues that will make you strong to tackle any battle life throws at you.