Jun 19, 2011

For Papa, especially today, on Father's day!

I love you, papa!

शायद ही कभी यह शब्द कहे है मैंने, मगर लिखे जरूर है, और यह भी उतना ही सच है की यह शब्द बोल पाना मुश्कील है क्यूंकि हमेशा से ऐसे घर और वातावरण मे पली हू जहा पर अपने मन के यह भाव बोलना नहीं सीखा! इसका मतलब यह है की यह भाव और स्नेह को शब्दों की जरूरत नहीं है, वरन यह तो उतने ही स्वाभाविक है जैसे की सूरज की रौशनी और चंद्रमा की चांदनी. लेकिन, आज मै बहुत कुछ और पापा से कहना चाहती हू, फादर्स डे तो सिर्फ एक ओकेजन है!

नीचे लिखी हुई यह कविता मैंने कही इन्टरनेट से ली है, और हमेशा से पापा के लिए इसके शब्दों को सच पाया है:

"आशीष पिता के"

भरी धूप मे छाव सरीखे
तूफानों मे नाव सरीखे
खुशियों मे सौ चाँद लगाते
साथ साथ आशीष पिता के.

हाथ पकड़ कर
भरी सड़क को पार कराते
उठा तर्जनी
दूर कही गंतव्य दिखाते
थक जाने पर गोद उठाते
धीरे धीरे कोई कहानी कहते जाते
साथ साथ आशीष पिता के.

दिन भर खटते
शाम ढले पर घर को आते
हरे बाग़ मे खेल खिलाते
घास काटते
फूलों को मिल कर दुलराते
तार जोड़ते नल सुधराते
साथ साथ आशीष पिता के.

***
कितनी सच है यह लाइन - 'तार जोड़ते नल सुधराते' ....घर मे कैसे काम का डिविज़न रहता है...मम्मी रसोई मे, पापा दूकान पर.....हर चीज जैसे घडी के कांटे जैसे चलती और होती थी....परफेक्ट एकदम. मम्मी पापा कैसे अपनी जिम्मेदारी निभाते हुए साथ साथ चलते है! मैंने शायद ही कोई तकरार देखी हो जिसमे कोई एक दूसरे को कुछ बोल रहा हो की तुमने वोह नहीं किया या ऐसे नहीं किया....हर चीज, हर जिम्मेदारी पूरी तरह से फिनिश होती थी और होती है आज भी.

लेकिन  मम्मी पापा कितने अलग इंसान होते है. एक मौखिक तो दूसरा एकदम शांत, कहने का मतलब मम्मी अपने emotions  एक्सप्रेस करती है मगर पापा शांत, अपने अन्दर न जाने क्या क्या रखते है....असंख्य संघर्ष की कहानियों से भरे होते है पापा और फिर भी चेहरे पर कोई भी ऐसा भाव नहीं. हर बार बस यही कहता है उनका चेहरा...'सब ठीक है, मै हु हमेशा तुम लोगो के साथ....''! सोचती हु क्या बन पाऊँगी कभी उनके जैसी शांत, और सरल!

अपनी diary के पन्ने पलटते हुए मुझे यह poem मिली जो मैंने पापा के लिए लिखी थी,  अक्टूबर 2004  मे, लेकिन कभी भेजी ही नहीं, सोचा सब senti हो जायेंगे, लेकिन आज इस poem को शेयर करना चाहती हू पापा से, ख़ास आज के दिन, fathers day पर!

" मेरा ख़त, फॉर dearmost पापा! "-
ख़त जो आपको लिखा है
उसमे शब्दों के अन्दर पढना,
स्याही को नीला न समझना
उसमे भरे है मेरे भाव
जो शायद शब्दों मे नहीं दिखते.

शब्द मेरे दिखाते है खुशिया
लेकिन आपके साथ न होने
से होता गम छुपा जाते है यह.

ख़त के कागज पर
खिला है हमारे घर का नक्शा,
कैसे आप सभी के कदम
चलते यहाँ वहाँ दिखते है मुझे,
रसोई मे मम्मी का काम करना
वोह मिक्सी की आवाज मे टीवी का न सुनाई देना
वोह आपका मोटर का खटका दबाना
और मम्मी की वाही बातें,
यह सब नहीं दिखाता मेरा ख़त आपको
लेकिन मेरी आँखों के सामने से नहीं हटते यह पल.

मेरा ख़त नहीं सुनाता
आपकी नन्ही तालियों की आवाज जो आरती के
वक्त हम सुनते थे,
वो हम सबका बारी बारी से पूजा करना,
वो मम्मी का रोज धयान से पूजा करना,
वो उनका पुष्पा का इन्तेजार
और सौरभ और मेरा देर से सोकर उठना
छुपा जाता है यह सब मेरी यादें मेरा ख़त!

मेरा ख़त समेटे है अपने मे
भूले बिसरे दिन,
लेकिन यह सिर्फ महसूस किये जाते है,
वोह मेरा अपने कमरे को ठीक करना
और वोह sauru का हेलमेट और मोजो
पर मेरा चिल्लाना,
वोह उसकी घडी छुपा देना
उसे बात बात पर परेशान करना
सच अब सोचती हू क्यों परेशान किया
उसे मैंने
पर अब उतना ही उससे कई कई
ज्यादा प्यार करती हू उसे,
और भगवान् मे ज्यादा आस्था है अब मेरी
आप लोगो के लिए,
नहीं दिखाता ना यह सब मेरा ख़त,
पढो जब मेरा ख़त आप
समझ जाना खुश तो मै हू बहुत
अपने भविष्य और अपने आज के लिए
लेकिन अपने हाथों में मेरा कल
हमारा बीता हुआ कल, सब समेट लेना चाहती हू,
रहना चाहती हू आप सबके साथ
एक बार फिर
....हा, बहुत याद करती हू मै आप सबको
यही कहते है मेरे शब्द,
मेरा ख़त!

***Happy Fathers day, papa! You are the best!

Jun 17, 2011

'stuck'

Stuck somewhere it is
I feel
I sense
but I know not, what it is!

Stuck in my head
in my memories
in my heart
in my soul
I know
but I know not, what it is!

Stuck in my words
dying to come out and
spread on paper
and on my soul,
Stuck in my throat
like a name
like some feelings
so strong I know
but I know not, how weak it makes me!

Stuck,
yes I know
but I know not, what!
is it you
that leaves me
or is it you
that still comes along!
Stuck...in my pen
my words, why dont u speak
so that I know what I know not!

Mar 23, 2011

a checkpoint...for my 'Seek'!

Its a long time I have come to my own blog...I have only one post this year and that was in January. Life is getting hectic and sometimes complicated to find time to write & solve the complication too! Funny it is.....

Last post I wrote about 'Seek'...its a verb and its a noun. It is a constant action taking place/that has taken place/will take place in future. It is a noun because it is often abstract. I seek but I don't know what! In fact, I have forgotten this post and today I had only thing in my mind...'meaning'. After so many days, I really felt the urge to find the meaning of my life. By this I mean my current actions. I need to find something substantial in what I am doing. I need to see a pattern that my life's actions are weaving. 

Life is running at a relentless pace. Day to night, night to another day...its going on. Is it what I call 'Seek' for me? Am I really seeking? I think it is the time I check for myself and in my bucket list, if I am moving forward with my dreams/aspirations or in simple words, is it making me a happier person at the end of each day and at the start of each new day!

Life for me does not need a plan but it needs a few big pieces like in a puzzle and I should have a fair idea what the puzzle must look like at the end!

Yes, I need to check and guard what I am seeking Vs. what I want to seek....

Jan 12, 2011

Seek is the verb!

Life is all about 'seeking'. Seek, a verb means to find.

In our lives we are always running/walking/thinking to seek something. It can be a goal, success, happiness, money, fame etc. What is life sans seeking?

Yes, in every new relationship or the old we look for seeking. May be the company of a certain friend gives me comfort, from some other friend I seek peace or the satisfaction to share myself or speak my mind out. And may be somewhere we seek love! It is all about seeking, the verb is omnipresent.

I was just thinking today, is there any life form that exists without this verb? Is life all about this. Saints and spiritual people talk about renounciation of material comforts and thoughts, but are not they also seeking something. It is a process, this worldly affairs. When we try to seek something, expectations come into picture. Where expectations arrive, will sorrow be far behind....!

Coming back more on this, very soon!

Dec 24, 2010

Confusion....

I want to write today. I don't know what this writing means or the blog is supposed to be. I like this headlines from my colleagues's blog (and find it so apt....but would I that be honest on my blog):

I write anything that comes to mind. A blog is not about truth or lies or opinions. It is about what happens to sound good the moment I type it.

Yes, I want to sound good...to me! I am confused right now. Morning, afternoon life sounds good, looks good. Post-afternoon is it the same? Is it the life or the mind that creates the confusion....I want to analyse, I want to live and not just exist.

Sometimes I think I love being in France. I have been working now and I have been in the field I wanted to be from say around 2 years. I am in finally. I am in a good company/industry. I have met some people I like and some of them have been good friends for some while. Friends, well not like the ones I always dreamt of (but hey, at 30, I can't keep my childhood friends and memories and expect new people to be like the friend of my first grade in school...everybody grows up and I must too grow up :-) ). Well, honestly I am happy with the people I have met, and I realize I can still connect. I remember when I started my Project 365 for blogging, I wrote in a post about Connection and my inability to connect. I was so wrong about myself. I still can connect. No body can actually understand the phase I was in when I told to myself I am not interested in people, I am in my own shell and I will grow. Ofcourse I grew, but a bit inside my own shell....now when I have been meeting/interacting people, I can see I need them (well, I always needed friends, I will never deny that) and I feel so confident I am capable of meeting and taking my relationship to a certain level with some people I can call friends. Ofcourse in due course of time I have learnt to take more responsibilites for these contacts and I try to involve myself or keep myself in the loop without losing the touch.
This is my own status to myself for my 'connection and the will to connect' to people and I am very happy about it. I really want to thank God for opening his arms to me and rewarding me some nice people around me. I needed it!

Heart is a greedy entity...entity/creature/thing...whatever...it is greedy. I want perfection at all levels and most of the times without putting effort 200%. I will be honest, high hopes/ambitions/wishes can take their beauty on their own, they need to be nurtured with constant care and the will to work for them. Ya, I am noticing I am talking a lot about this 'will' thing, but hey it is so important....I think every good (not only great) thing happens with a will to make it happen. I know I am not giving my 100% things to a lot of things I need to do/should do/must do....but there are things which even don't turn up as they should and then I blame circumstances/present conditions. For instance, my European driving license....is been a big pain now...! I blame France...why the hell I am here...I have my Indian license and I can drive & make my life easy on this aspect by living in India...what I am doing here and why I am torturing myself and my family...

When I think this, I think a lot of other things, going in recap in my mind. Can I write them all here...no! I am not that honest and open in my real life too...this is a blog. Ofcourse I write it to express myself but I am sometimes (!...or most of the times) running away from the realities of life....the hard & practical ones, and can't accept them here or sometimes in my dreams too. Probably, I must work on this but not taking it harsh on me.

Recently, I think I have been quite harsh on me (this is contradictory as I hide a lot of things that require urgent attention from my ownself and then close my mind/eyes on them...how can I say I am being harsh!!!!!), well....I am confused. But I am getting sure of one thing in my life...I need to charge of it. I need to plan it. If I hate somebody telling me what should I do with my life, I must immediately get up and do something about it. Freedom is one word that cna define me. But freedom does not come with being reckless and irresponsible. Am I being reckless or irresponsible? I am too harsh and less affirmative of myself. If I fail somewhere or do not act with urgency/promptness on something why do I have to question my entire existence for that? It is life, I wil fail often but I do not need to fail myself and give a bad score to my good self, because I know I am good..I dont hurt people, I try to help everybody, I am honest, I try to be good to all my basic relationships....is there anything else I need to feel good about! I must change this...well I know I need to take certain things more responsibly but important at this moment of time is to be free with authority and firmness about my own personality. One of the friends on facebook wrote this statement and I love it this very moment (well always):


No body can hurt me without my permission.

How true, our life is what we make of it. If I work hard, fulfill my responsibilities, manage all my tasks in the way they should be...who is gonna hurt me. Its the self who pinches you the most, if I am responsible, not losing my enthusiasm for my life and its responsibilities, there is hardly anyone ever who can say a word or point a finger.

I have promised myself I am not going to have any new year resolutions....but hey I always break the promises...I want to resolve I am going to be more responsible and take things head on instead of running away from them. I am sure in this way I am gonna be strong from within :-)...

-With fingers crossed, I want to wish you all a beautiful Christmas and a very lovely new year ahead.

Dec 18, 2010

'Poem' by Gulzar

A poem
entangled in my chest,
lines
fastened on my lips,
words
like butterflies
won't sit still on paper.

I sit
for so long
with your name
on this blank paper.

Your name
just your name exists;
could there be
a better poem?

-Poems of Gulzar translated by Rina Singh in 'Silences'

Nov 20, 2010

For Love


Yesterday I wanted to
speak of it, that sense above   
the others to me
important because all

that I know derives
from what it teaches me.   
Today, what is it that   
is finally so helpless,

different, despairs of its own   
statement, wants to
turn away, endlessly
to turn away.

If the moon did not ...
no, if you did not
I wouldn’t either, but   
what would I not

do, what prevention, what   
thing so quickly stopped.   
That is love yesterday   
or tomorrow, not

now. Can I eat
what you give me. I
have not earned it. Must   
I think of everything

as earned. Now love also   
becomes a reward so
remote from me I have
only made it with my mind.

Here is tedium,
despair, a painful
sense of isolation and   
whimsical if pompous

self-regard. But that image   
is only of the mind’s
vague structure, vague to me   
because it is my own.

Love, what do I think
to say. I cannot say it.
What have you become to ask,   
what have I made you into,

companion, good company,   
crossed legs with skirt, or   
soft body under
the bones of the bed.

Nothing says anything   
but that which it wishes   
would come true, fears   
what else might happen in

some other place, some   
other time not this one.   
A voice in my place, an   
echo of that only in yours.

Let me stumble into
not the confession but   
the obsession I begin with   
now. For you

also (also)
some time beyond place, or   
place beyond time, no   
mind left to

say anything at all,
that face gone, now.
Into the company of love   
it all returns.

Robert Creeley, “For Love” for Bobbie from Selected Poems of Robert Creeley.